Page 201 of Don't Leave Me

“Then why did you leave me, Hana?” he asked, tears forming his eyes, his face in disbelief.

I shook my head. I was so unbelievably torn; I had to save Jack but I knew that I was killing Michael as well. I had to tell him the truth. I looked down at my hands and my quiet, ugly sobs started.

“I didn’t leave you, Michael,” I cried out, the truth finally out, and I couldn’t stand anymore – I got to my knees and wept into my hands, unable to breathe. I was having a panic attack.

The absolute guilt I felt for willingly staying with Jack consumed me. My love for Jack, my “loyalty” to him, the pleasure I received from him felt like a ton of bricks were tied to my ankles and I was slowly sinking to the bottom of the Hudson river. And Michael knew what to do, as he always did. He didn’t demand answers right away: he got onto his knees in front of me, holding me in his arms, instructing me to breathe in and out with him, to listen to his voice and to just breathe. My mind raced as I did what he said, and after several minutes I finally calmed down, hiccuping for air after my sobs slowed. I finally realized the situation I was in, the moment I had been dreaming of for a month. I was reunited with the love of my life, I was in his arms, I was saved. But things were so, so complicated now.

His strong arms still cradled me.“Are you alright now, Hana?”

I nuzzled my face into Michael’s chest – this was my safe space, my ultimate favorite location in the world.

“I’m scared, Michael,” I whispered. “I’m scared to go back. I want to stay with you,” I hiccuped into his chest.

Something happened to me while I was with Jack – I knew that I loved him, but was that real? I knew that I enjoyed his pain – but was that just a coping mechanism? I didn’t want him to go to jail or prison, I didn’t want him to hurt. I didn’t want him to be without me. But then I remembered all about consent, all about boundaries, all about real love – everything that Michael had taught me. Jack was the opposite of all of that. He had given me no choice but to stay with him. So why didn’t I want him to be sent to jail? Why did I still love him?

Michael kissed the the top of my head. “You don’t’ have to go back, Hana. You can stay right here,” he breathed into me.

“I have to. He will hurt us if I don’t. He always knows where I am,” I argued, my heart still pounding.

“We’ll go to the police, Hana. We’ll-,”

“No!” I sat upright and out of Michael’s arms.

I took my hands to his arms and paused as I stared into Michael’s confused eyes.

“We can’t. I can’t do that. I’m sorry,” I started to cry again. “They will never believe me anyway,” I removed my hands from Michael and started to sob again.

He paused for a moment. “Then let’s go somewhere he’ll never find us. How does he always know where you are?” His tone was calm but urgent.

I felt my phone in my coat pocket.

“My phone. He can track me at all times on it. And I don’t know if she still does, but he had Jessica following me, and you, and Emily,” I explained, my voice shaking.

Michael looked to be in deep thought. Oh, how I missed that look.

“We’ll destroy your phone and dump it. You and Emily can switch coats, she can stop at a few places, and we’ll take a cab out of the city somewhere,” he explained, so easily coming up with a plan.

It seemed like he had thought of this before, probably when Billie had told him my confession weeks earlier. I hated that I put them through all of that.

“Okay,” I nodded, quickly standing up with him, relieved to finally have my plan to leave come to life.

Michael quickly walked to Emily’s bedroom door and knocked, telling her the plan before she could even open the door all the way. I listened carefully when he explained what was going on.

“Hana and I are going to take a cab to a hotel out of the city. She thinks someone, possibly Jessica, may be following us so I need you to switch coats with her. And take her phone,” Michael looked to me and held his palm out - I immediately handed him my phone. “Take it to the nearest subway station and throw it in front of an incoming train, then we need you to proceed to act like you don’t know what’s going on. Don’t tell anyone about Hana leaving, not even Adam,” Michael explained everything so calmly and thoroughly.

Emily’s eyes widened throughout but she didn’t even seem to question what was happening -does she know too?

“We need to make sure Billie is safe. And my parents,” I cried out, my voice shaking and frail.

“Your parents are in Nashville for Grandma’s birthday this weekend,” Emily assured me. “And I’ll tell Billie to stay with her parents this weekend too.”

“I’ll call her in the cab,” Michael nodded in agreement.

Everything happened so fast - suddenly I switched coats with Emily, Michael told her to leave quickly and try to walk erratically to lose anyone if they were following her. He instructed her to tell anyone that asked that she had last seen me as we left her apartment.

“Please be safe, Em. Don’t go anywhere alone, and don’t be alone with Jack either,” I explained, my voice wavering and scared.

Emily nodded at me. She didn’t look scared at all - she looked determined, focused, and ready to fight, if needed. I hugged her tighter than I ever had; if anything happened to her I would never forgive myself.

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