Page 204 of Don't Leave Me

“Good,” Michael nodded. “Did he seem suspicious?”

“He has to be. He can’t track me anymore. He hasn’t heard from me in over an hour when I’ve been texting him non-stop all day, every day,” I explained.

Michael glanced at me with sad eyes. “Keep us updated, please. Text if you need to,” he said into the phone.

“I will. Love you guys,” Emily hung up quickly.

I got up to slip a t-shirt on, wanting to cover some of my bruises, but Michael stopped me. “You don’t have to be ashamed with me, Hana. I love you no matter what happened,” he said quietly, taking my hand.

We were interrupted by Billie calling. “Hey, everything alright?” Michael answered, sitting on the bed and taking me with him.

“Yeah. I made it to my parent’s house. You guys good?” It felt so odd to hear her being so friendly with Michael. I’m sure they had to work together a lot to try to get me here. My guilt set in once again.

“Yes. We’re at a hotel in Jersey City. Did you hear anything from Jack?” Michael asked, looking out the window at the lit up Manhattan skyline.

“No, thank God. What’s the next step?”

Michael turned to look at me and hesitated. “We don’t know yet. Hana doesn’t want to press charges.” He paused and eyed me hopefully. “Do you?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t make that decision right now. “Not yet,” I responded quietly.

I heard Billie sigh. “Okay,” I could hear the defeat in her voice. “How are you doing, Han?”

I gulped. “I’m okay. I’ll be okay,” I nodded to the phone.

“We’ll keep you updated, Billie. You do the same, please,” Michael said, I know wanting to wrap up this conversation and get back to ours.

“Okay. Bye guys,” Billie hung up.

Michael set his phone down on the bed and looked up at me, taking my hand again. “As I was saying,” he raised his eyebrows at me slightly.

“I did a lot of things with him, Michael. I enjoyed myself most of the time with him. He only forced me once. The rest…” I trailed off, unable to look him in the eye. “The rest of the time I begged him for it.” I was tearing up, my emotions so fragile.

Michael didn’t say anything – he didn’t even flinch. He let me continue on my own terms.

“This is why I don’t think we can even go to the police. Yes, he took me and tied me up the first day without my consent, and yes he did threaten to kill you and everyone I loved. But I still went out with him on walks, I drove upstate with him and got married to him, I took him to my parent’s house and didn’t say a goddamn bad word about him. I defended him to so many people, so many times. He never hit me; well…he did a few times, but…” I stopped – once I started to say things out loud, I realized how bad everything was. Hedidhit me, hedidthreaten to kill people I loved if I didn’t do what he said, hedidscare me to the point that I behaved my best with him. And yet, I still loved him. He had really fucked me up – I still felt a sense of loyalty to him. I told him I would never leave him and I truly believed that at the time. And now he was probably face down in a ditch right now, dead because of me.

“I told him I would never leave him. I told him I loved him, and I did…I do,” I wept, hiding my face in shame. “He said he would die without me and now he probably is dead because of me.” Now I was sobbing uncontrollably.

Michael let me cry as he wrapped his arms around me, his fiancée now a different person than the one he last had in his arms six weeks ago. I was broken, lost, ashamed of who I was and what I did. I knew the right thing to do: I needed to turn Jack into the police, I needed him to be put away and locked up to feel 100% safe again. But I still loved him and didn’t want him to suffer any more because of me - the thought that he could be dead at that moment was too much of a burden to bear. I couldn’t believe I was in so much pain over someone who traumatized me so much – or the fact that I was telling Michael, the absolute love of my life, that I loved another man.

“Hana, he manipulated you this whole time. He gave you no choice whatsoever to do anything but what he said. You were trying to protect me and everyone else you love,” Michael explained. “He drilled that guilt into your brain over and over, telling you he’d die without you, and that’s not fair,” His voice was soothing and quiet.

I knew he was right, yet I still couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that I still felt like I needed to protect Jack. I desperately wanted to know if he was okay without actually seeing him – I felt that if I saw him, he would somehow use mind control to lure me back to him. I was a wreck…a naive, exploitable mess without Michael guarding me from the wolves.

“I need to make sure he’s okay. I need to send someone to the loft to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself,” I cried, my voice shaking as I reached for Michael’s phone.

I could see Michael’s worried, somewhat angry eyes watch me in horror. “Hana, that’s not your responsibility,” he defended, snatching his phone quickly off the bed.

“Yes it is!” I shrieked, regretting every decision to defend Jack immediately – I threw myself on the bed and wept in shame, the pain in my chest too much to handle.

I could feel Michael get off the bed and stand up, then I heard him start to speak.

“Can you send Adam to Jack’s loft? Hana is worried Jack is going to hurt himself now that she’s gone.”

I looked over and realized he was on the phone. He looked over at me, his eyes still angry but also sad. I hated that I was doing this.

“I know. It’s what she’s requesting. Why don’t you have Adam tell him you spoke to her and she’s fine – that she’s decided to spend some time away from him?” he offered quietly, still staring at me.

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