Page 13 of Die For Me

I shook my head. “You have me, Jack. You don’t need to feel so hopeless anymore. You don’t need to seek out revenge. I’m right here.” I put my palm up to his stubbly cheek, taking in his full lips and beautiful, sweet face.

If only he was always this version of himself—the one I had fallen in love with originally. The sweet, sensitive soul that I knew he had. My hopelessly romantic, Jack, who tragically wore his heart on his sleeve.

* * *

I took a walk around our neighborhood with no destination in mind as I usually did. I needed air while Jack went into Manhattan for meetings. All I could think about was this thing growing inside of me and how much I already resented it. How was I going to raise this child with Jack? I knew we would have beautiful children together, but why bring them into this chaotic world that Jack and I had created? If and when we had children, things needed to change with us. Our dynamic needed to change. I couldn’t always be afraid of what he would do, and he needed to stop holding things over my head. Leaving him wasnot an option, even if I could. I don’t know how the bond we created became so tight that it could never be pulled away. My love for him made no sense to the outside world, at least not to the people who knew what we really went through. As a certified people pleaser, I was surprised I didn’t care more about what they thought. But the only person I really wanted to please was Jack.

I found myself on the street of Dr. Levin’s office. Was Jack tracking me at this very moment? My heart began to race rapidly as I thought of an idea. I nearly ran to her office before I could change my mind.

I told the receptionist that I urgently needed to talk to Dr. Levin. I quietly whispered, “I need an abortion. Right now.” I’m sure I had a wild, desperate look in my eyes.

The receptionist gave me a look of sympathy. “Honey, we need to get you an appointment. Dr. Levin isn’t in the office today—we’ve only got nurse visits available and we’re not taking walk-ins.”

I turned and saw only one other person in the waiting room. I looked back to the receptionist.

“Please. Let me see the nurse then,” I replied feebly.

“I’m sorry.” She shook her head slowly, seemingly looking like even she was going to cry. “If you can wait till Friday, I can get you in then. First thing in the morning,” she said quietly.

I started to cry. I couldn’t come back here, not without Jack getting suspicious.

“I can’t wait until Friday. I need it now,” I whispered.

She shook her head again. “If you really need it now, there’s a clinic in Fort Greene. They deal with emergencies such as yours.”

“No, I—I can come Friday. I’ll figure it out. Please put me down for Friday.”

She nodded with a small smile. “Okay. We will see you Friday.”

Jack couldn’t have a say in this, not now. Having a child would make him even more controlling. We needed a plan, and, the way our life was right now, I was afraid he’d have all the say. Iknewhe would have all the say.

I would think of something. All I knew was that I was going to do whatever it took to make this happen.

Hana

My heart was trying to escape from my chest as I walked out of Dr. Levin’s office. Jack would know that I went to her behind his back. He would demand to know why I had gone without him. What was I going to say to him? The need to terminate this pregnancy dominated all other needs at that moment. I didn’t have an excuse already made up in my head. Maybe I could tell him I was bleeding. Maybe losing the pregnancy naturally would be easier on him than knowing I wanted to get rid of it. I just needed to get there on Friday and it would be done.

My mind buzzed as I walked, distracting me from my surroundings. When a hand tugged on my arm, my heart almost leapt out of my throat—he caught me. But when I turned around and saw the most beautiful man I had ever seen, I think I might have actually gasped before saying, “Oh my god.” And the fact that I only felt shame, fear, and worry that Jack would somehow find out about this made my face feel hot from embarrassment.

“Hana.” Michael’s voice was deep and panicked, and his dark-gray eyes surveyed my face.

He was more beautiful than I remembered. His beard was longer than the last time I had seen him, even spotting some stray white hairs, and his eyes seemed even more intense, more rugged and worried. The lines on his forehead wrinkled as he held my arm, people passing by on the sidewalk and turning their heads to look at us.

“Michael,” I whispered, still in shock at the sight of him.

“Please just tell me—are you pregnant? Is it mine?” His grip tightened on my arm.

Tears began to stream down my face. My heart felt like it was breaking.

“Yes. I’m pregnant, but I don’t know. I don’t know, Michael,” I answered, my shaky voice barely audible. “I’m getting rid of it,” I added, as if that somehow made anything better.

Michael’s eyes widened with horror. “No you’re not. You can’t. If it’s mine, that’s all we have left,” he stated, as if that thought didn’t cross my mind.

“He won’t let me keep it if it’s yours, Michael.” I put my hand to his muscled arm that felt even bigger than the last time he held me.

“Hana.” Michael shook his head. “I can’t let you do this.”

We were talking in hushed, frantic voices, as if we were being listened in on. Maybe we were. All I wanted to do was jump in his arms and tell him to run.

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