Page 41 of Die For Me

“Remember, Em. Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.” She eyed me, her eyes full of hesitation.

I nodded, bracing myself for all of the horrifying details I’d surely be hearing.

“And please know…I know none of this makes sense. I know how this all sounds. If I were in your shoes, I’d be just as concerned as you are. Iknowthat. But listen to all of this knowing thatIknow all of this, and yet I can’t walk away from these two. Even if I could, I would never leave either of them.”

Her words came out so quickly that they could barely sink in before she spoke again. Her hands were shaking as she spoke.

“Michael brought me here with the intention of keeping me here. And then I got the chance to talk to you and Jack, and I knew what I had to do. Neither of them would ever let me make my own decisions if I didn’t threaten them with this,” she started.

I shook my head at her again, and my brows pulled together. “Threaten them with what?”

She surveyed my face before answering. “I threatened to take my life. That’s the only way I was going to get out of any of this. And then I realized that they were capable of sharing me. I guess I didn’t even get to that part.” She laughed, shaking her head. “Before I threatened them, I had sex with them. At the same time. And it was fuckingincredible, Emily. I knew that I needed both of them. So I told them: You either share me, or you don’t get me at all.”

I was speechless. Was this another one of her ploys to convince me that everything was okay, but things really weren’t?

“This is the truth, Emily. I’m not gonna lie to you anymore,” she explained, somehow reading my mind.

A huge, involuntary smile washed over my face. “Hana. This is fucking nuts.” My immediate thought shot out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Hana frowned and started to walk away. “I know that, Emily. I told you it didn’t make any sense. But this is my life now.” She shrugged, eyeing me from over her shoulder as I struggled to catch up with her.

“Hey, Han.” I grabbed her arm to stop her from walking.

She turned to me with tears in her eyes. “My life is an absolute mess, Emily. It’s fucking chaotic, but I’m somehow happier than I’ve been in a long time,” she explained, talking with her hands.

I nodded, taking her hand. I didn’t understand any of this; I didn’t understand why she wanted to be with these men that dominated her, that took away her free will, that threatened her life. I was afraid to question it any more, though, because I didn’t want another fight. I didn’t want to hear anymore but I didn’t want to lose her again.

“I’m your family, Hana. I won’t judge you. I just need to know that you’ll be okay.”

She nodded, squeezing my hand with hers. “As okay as I’ll ever be.”

Michael

Jack knew what he was doing when he picked a fight with me. He knew how to fight, I’d give him that. I had to stop myself from lunging toward him again and beating him senseless. I could’ve killed him, but that meant risking Hana’s life, so I had to be smart. I could tear him down in other ways. For example, stating the obvious: Hana was mine. Her body couldn’t resist me, even if she wanted to. She didn’t look at Jack the same way she looked at me. Granted, I hated the way she looked at him with that lust in her eyes, but it wasn’t nearly as much lust as she looked at me with. She wanted me so badly she fucking came just by pressing her pussy against me. She could be a brat all she wanted, but at the end of the day, she was fucking crazy about me.

I spent the last seven weeks of my life doubting myself. Any confidence I had was crumbling beneath me. Hell, I lost most of it the day she first left all those months ago. And I spent so much time hating Hana, wanting her to hurt as much as I did. That’s when something in me changed. I became obsessive. I teetered between loving her and hating her, my feelings for her changing daily. And of course, I began stalking her.

It started when I began watching her and Jack at his loft. I would sit for hours on the street in the Lower East Side, waiting for a glimpse of her. I watched as they went apartment hunting in Brooklyn. That’s why I got the apartment I have now—it’s right across the street from where Hana and Jack live. I would siton the benches by the waterfront for hours, watching Hana come and go, sometimes with Jack, sometimes without. I didn’t have any plan; I just wanted to watch her, see where she went, see how she lived her life without me. I got on Instagram, following her from a fake profile. I watched every story she posted. She often shared views from her apartment, which I didn’t think was very smart. If someone wanted to find her, they easily could. Sometimes I wondered if she did that for me, as if she knew I was quietly watching her. Was she waiting for me to come capture her?

And that’s when I got the video of Hana and Jack having sex. I might have jerked off while watching it—several times—but I figured it was because I was seeing Hana be demeaned in a way I wanted to do with her. It stirred up so many feelings inside of me, but I mostly felt hate. I took to my best friend, Jack Daniels, and watched the video over and over. I might have even called Emily, drunkenly telling her how I felt, but that might have also been a dream. I knew I needed to do something, but I couldn’t figure out what.

I saw Emily following Hana and Jack to the OB-GYN office. She was not a very good stalker; she kept too close and she didn’t even see me. It didn’t occur to me to look up what building they were in, but when Emily called me and told me, I finally knew what I had to do: I had to take Hana.

She might have been carrying my child. It was a long shot, but it was a possibility. And on the day I took her, so easily guiding her into the cab that waited for us, I realized I loved her more than anything. How could I possibly hate this beautiful creature, especially if she was going to bear my child? I had spent the last several weeks watching her from a distance, hating her. But when I was finally face to face with her, I was so fucking in love again. That’s what she did to me. And she was so fucking compliant. I think that’s what startled me when she began toresist me at the Greenwich house. I was so used to getting my way with her and then it was as if a whole new aspect of her personality had taken over. I enjoyed the brattiness on occasion, but I knew it was because she wanted to get punished. Ever since finding out she liked to be slapped, I knew I had to use it on her. When she kept resisting me, not even willing to fuck me?That’swhat threw me over the edge.

I didn’t want to think about what happened after that. Anger had taken over me. It had been a long time since that anger had consumed me. I had warned her, a long time ago, that my anger could control me. I was out of control, even I knew that. It had happened before. But I waited and waited for the safe word. It never came. It didn’t even occur to me that she couldn’t let out her safe word until Jack talked about me forcing myself upon her. What did she think of me now?

My thoughts returned to the present. How was I ever going to be happy sharing Hana, the woman who was perfect just for me? I started fantasizing about hiring someone to kill Jack, some sort of random mugging in his sketchy LES neighborhood that he still frequented. I would plan it all perfectly: I would be with Hana so that she could be my alibi. She would be heartbroken but she’d have me to take care of her.Onlyme.

Hana

Emily was silent on the walk back to the house. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her the truth about what Jack and Michael did to me. It wasn’t her burden to carry. It just felt imperative to reveal what led me to this, what had made me so desperate. I began to question if any of this was worth it. Michael kept pushing back against the entire situation. I knew it was unfair. I understood why he was so unwilling. He was so much more stubborn than Jack. Jack would die for me; I wasn’t sure if Michael would. Was that how I measured their love? It was twisted and toxic and wildly unhealthy, and isn’t that what led me to this entire situation? I was so far beyond having Stockholm Syndrome—I was fanatical. I drank the punch and jumped over the cliff with both of them.

When we walked into the house, Michael was sweeping up glass in the kitchen. The cabinet glass was shattered, and kitchenware was strewn everywhere.

“Where’s Jack?” I asked frantically.

As I walked closer to Michael, I realized he was sporting a swollen right eye. He looked up at me through his lashes, as if he were disappointed in me.

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