Page 63 of Die For Me

“I think we should all vacation to the west coast this summer. Before touring starts, of course,” I said to Jack, desperately trying to change the subject.

He smirked at me as he took a drink. “That sounds quite nice.” He nodded.

I turned to Michael as he stared out at the skyline. “I’ve never been. My mum always wanted to see Hollywood. She thought it would be so glamorous.” His tone was distant and sad.

My heart broke for him. The anniversary of his mother’s death had just passed, and I somehow had forgotten all about it. I even missed his birthday, although I had thought of him all that day.

“I’m sure she would have loved it, baby.” I gave him a small smile, putting my hand atop his.

I cleared my throat, thinking of something Michael and Jack had in common.

“Jack lost his dad around that age as well.” I turned to Jack as I spoke, and he stared down at the table, his brows pulled together.

He shook his head. “No. My dad killed himself. You can say it, Hana.” He looked up at me with somber eyes then turned to Michael. “I found him hanging in our bathroom. How did your mum die?”

It was as if he was challenging him. I turned to Michael slowly; he was narrowing his eyes at Jack, his jaw clenching.

“Slit her wrists in the bathtub. Any other burning questions you’re eager to ask me?”

Fuck.

“Ah,” Jack responded. “That explains why we’re both so fucked up, doesn’t it, mate?” He was smiling at Michael as he spoke.

I took swigs of my rosé to finish it.

“Hana,” Michael scolded me.

“I’m sorry I brought it up.” I shook my head at myself. “That was stupid. Why would I think that talking about your dead parents would be a good idea?”

Jack put his hand to my thigh. “It’s okay, sweetheart,” he said quietly.

“Excuse me? Could I please have another glass?” I motioned to our server, holding up my glass.

Now I felt likeIwas spiraling. I couldn’t imagine this working out. Why was I forcing them to do this? They hated each other and they would always hate each other. But what other choice did I have? If I chose one, the other would be heartbroken and fly off the rails again. I didn’t think either of them would be okay without me. All I could imagine was Michael hovering over me the day he took me and Jack’s dark eyes watching me from across the room in the music studio. How could I ever do that to one of them again?

The server quickly took my glass and disappeared.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be here. Maybe you’re both right. Maybe it should be like, a joint custody thing? I could split my time between both of you?” I turned to each of them, speaking quickly.

“I don’t want to split any time with you,” Jack quickly answered. “You’re my fucking wife.”

Michael scoffed. “Your wife that youforcedto marry you.”

“Oh, fuck off. She would have married me anyway. She would have been the runaway bride at your wedding, running back to me,” Jack responded bitterly.

“Please,” I muttered quietly. “Stop.”

“Wouldn’t it have been nice to give her a choice on the matter? How would you know what would have happened?” Michael kept prodding.

Jack laughed. “Because I know. She always kept running back to me and she always would have.”

I stood quickly, making my chair fall to the ground behind me as I grabbed my jacket and stormed off. I knew everyone on that rooftop was staring at me, and my cheeks burned with rage and embarrassment. For a split second, I considered running away to some place neither of them would ever find me. They wouldalwaysfight over me. I wouldalwaysbe torn apart. Why couldn’t I just fucking choose one?

“Hana.” Jack was behind me, walking out of the restaurant door with me. “I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have kept on with that.”

I kept walking, ignoring him. I turned and saw Michael walk out, following behind us.

“This isn’t fair,” I cried, tears streaming down my face. “Why can’t you both just let me make my own decisions? Why can’t I fucking be free?” I pressed the elevator button continuously, the impatience in my chest feeling like it would crack my lungs apart.

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