Page 22 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

I swallow hard.

I drop my hands to my lap. A minty aroma takes over all other scents when he reaches for the bottle of wine before me. Lightning explodes in my chest when his arm brushes against my shoulder. Goddamnhim. Does anyone see this? Can anyonefeelthis? The static, the sheer fucking chemical reaction of being so close to each other? I feel like dogshit.

Leon’s got to know. How could he not? I’d know. I’d fuckingknowif Eli had this with anyone else while climbing into my bed at night.

Don’t go down on that ship.

Shoving my chair from the table, I leave, abandoning my food. I think I’m having a heart attack. Numbness swallows up all sensation as I burst through the front door. The world seems to spin while tears gather at the corners of my eyes.Why? Why!I hold my face, shoulders shaking. It hurts so bad.

How do people survive this? I was doing okay. I was pushing through the dirt but still trying. He was gone, and I kept moving—kept breathing. Now that he’s back, I know it was all bullshit. I’ve been burying myself alive under everything I don’t voice. All those unspoken words because it’s been easier to stay quiet all my life.

My voice never mattered. Only silence got anyone to fucking look at me.

Maybe I should’ve fought him that night. Maybe I should’ve ignored that random fan who saw us and recorded it all. I should’ve told the cops to go fuck themselves and dragged him out of the patrol car. If I’d begged harder and dropped down on my knees and swore I’d help him, maybe this wouldn’t be my life. But I’vedone it allwith Oli.

“Fuck this,” I croak only seconds before Jorge is there.

“Come here, big guy,” he mumbles and yanks me into his arms.

Eli

Bloodsport

This whole thing is a mistake.

Every move I make, every decision, every impulse. I’m making him bleed. I’m destroying him just by existing. Fuck, that’s all I do.

My parents bled because of me. They were too young for a kid. Too sad with their world.

I stare blankly at the pile of mashed potatoes on my plate.

Having already been handed a shitty deck of cards that dictated their lives, they fucked up conceiving me. I know that’s why they’re gone. I know that’s why theyrandown the path that eventually took them away and left me in the dust.

My aunt would tell me so. She’d remind me almost daily that her sister was gone because of me. She struggled to make ends meet because I cost too much. I grew out of my clothes too fast. I fucked up my shoes too much. I talked too much and too fast.

Why couldn’t I just be normal? Why couldn’t I just begood?

You’re a fuck up, Elijah. Your mom should’ve swallowed you.She said that shit to me. Before I even knew what the hell that meant. And I believe her. I should’ve been a cumshot down a throat and digested and pissed out.

Boys don’t do ballet.

Boys don’t cry.

Boys take out the trash.

Boys have sex as soon as their balls drop. Boys make girls feel better. Boys fight back.I rub my stomach, spasms making it hard to eat.Eli doesn’t do good in school because his mom did meth. Eli isn’t tall like his dad because his mom barely ate. Eli doesn’t fucking follow directions because all he cares about is himself.

Bile rushes up my throat.

“I can’t keep paying for you! Look at me! I live in a trailer! No one wants me! I’m going to lose my job because you keep getting infuckingtrouble!”

I take a breath, fork clattering down onto my plate. Leon searches my face; worry consumes his features. When it’s bad like this, I want to deepthroat a barrel—shove it down so violently that I puke and then pull the trigger. It’d be quiet then. I wouldn’t be like this. No one would be used because I can’t feel anything. No one would scream at me for hiding. No one would freak out and demand answers, their voice guttural from how hard they cry. He never would have split down the middle in front of my dead eyes.

“Hey,” Leon whispers, squeezing my thigh. “What’s going on?”

“Stomach hurts,” I mumble and get up.

“There’s that pink stuff in my bag,” he tells me. “Do you want me to get it? Do you need anything?”

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