Page 42 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

“We don’t do this. We don’tdo this.” I’m clawing at the air, trying to shift this conversation into something I can control. All he does is stare at me expectantly. I drop my eyes, heaving in a breath.

“You’re afraid they’ll tell you what he did—that you have a problem. That there isn’t anythingphysicallywrong with you. There never was. It’s all in here,” he slaps his chest, “and you don’t trust me enough with it. You never did.”

“Phoenix, listen to me.”

“Oh, I am. I’m all fucking ears because I need a reason to stay. I need one good reason to explain every lie you’ve ever told me.”

My eyes water while his do the same. “I can’t give you one.”

“You better. Or it’s going to be really fucking awkward until tomorrow.”

I frown. “What?”

“I told you I wouldn’t leave you. I’m keeping my word. That doesn’t mean I have to touch you or comfort you. I won’t speak. I’ll watch movies with my headphones in and text Nyx. I’ll be here, but I won’t be here for you. So give me areason.”

I’ve gotnothing.

There's nothing I’m ready to say, nothing I want to acknowledge except the fact he’s still here. He doesn’t want to know how I had to pick through dead cockroaches in my stale cereal. He doesn’t want to know about all the fucked things I’ve seen. Ireallydoubt he wants to know how I’d cut myself to feel anything other than the pain in my chest. My parents didn’t love me enough to make sure I was somewhere safe before they shot up in a hot car anddied.

Will he even understand that I go by the stage name I created when I was ten because I never want to be associated with my family? Phoenix’s life is perfect. Picturesque family, great friends—talent and a sexy body. He’s sweet and thoughtful. Kind and loyal. He’s protective and knows right from wrong. I know for a fact he’s never reached into his fridge for something to drink and only found beer. Then had todrinkthe beer because the water in his trailer wasn’t turned on, and he had no money to buy any.

“Just say something, Eli. Please.”

I shake my head, and his entire composure cracks.

As much as I want him, I know that talking only makes everything fucking worse.

Phoenix

The Dirt I'm Buried In

Iwaited until Eli fell asleep, and then I left.

It was cowardly of me because I should’ve told him that as much as I promised, I couldn’tactuallystay the whole time. All my stuff was on the bus, and I didn’t want everyone to be stuck in Vegas while I buried myself deeper in this hole with him. Part of me thought that if I dug my heels in, he’d open up like he did when he was scared to death. That’s not Eli, though; I’m still not ready to fight.

We got back to California later that afternoon.

I went to my parents' house, got Helios, and immediately left. I didn’t have it in me to deal with my family—not after the tour uprooting so many things I haven’t wanted to look at inyears.So, for the past two days, I’ve been in bed…with my cat…miserable.

I don’t know if Eli is still in the hospital or flew back to Illinois. I haven’t asked. Kelly is at her great aunt’s house for the next week, leaving the apartment for me to wallow in. I don’t mind, though.

Jorge says I need to get drunk and fuck someone. He’s probably right.

The idea of a quick lay being a cure-all for my sickness that is Eli seems enticing, maybe even exciting. Some nameless guy to make me forget it all for a little while. But that’s the thing: I don’twantanyone except someone who doesn’t want me. Okay, clearly, he wants me—at the very least, physically. Thinking about that night in the storage room both turns me on to the point my balls hurt and makes me so disgusted with myself that I want to chop them off.

I don’t know what happened in the hospital between him and Leon. Jorge saw him leave while I was having my thirty-seventh piss. I’d been so excited about the possibility of Leon being out of the picture, opening up the spot that was always meant for me. My heart truly felt alive for the first time in so long. I was damn-near skipping on the way back to Eli. And then I overheard the doctor. I discovered Eli has never actually had a prescription foranyof the drugs he takes.

I realized hewasjust like Oliver.

And goddammit, that destroyed me.

So, I’m back to square one. Dead heart, lying in a cesspool of emotion that’ll never go away, spooning my cat, who probably hates it, and wondering what the fuck I’m going to do with myself. Helios squirms in my arms, meowing softly so I release him. He darts off my bed and out the door. I pout, flipping on my stomach and cradling my pillow. My dick pokes at the mattress beneath me, not caring that I’m depressed and demanding to be dealt with.

I can’t remember the last time I jacked off. I think the last time was on Eli’s face.

A ripple of repulsion and pleasure washes over me.

I did use him like a whore.

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