Page 53 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

“Me either.” I blow out my lips and scrub my face. “I love him.”

“I know you do. You lost your apartment because you love him. You nearly quit your band because you couldn’t get out of bed—because you love him. Honey, this isn’t good. And after everything you told me a few weeks ago…”

“I’m well aware this isn’tgood, but I can’t leave him.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“It’s like you and Dad. No matter what he does, you still love him and stay.”

“Your father has never done anything even remotely close to what Elijah has.”

“He calls gay people fags and pedophiles.”

She’s quiet.

“I’mgay, Mom. But you love him anyway.”

“Baby, he’s never called you a…fag,” she whispers the last word.

“No. Not directly, but he’s come close. And I wouldn’t put it past him to have said something to Eli at Veronica’s wedding.”

“Phoenix, what is this really about? If you’re looking for a blessing on this relationship, I don’t know if I can give one. I was hoping you’d be able to understand your brother better because of this experience, not become a couple again.”

We aren’t a couple…at least not officially. We had sex. That’s not the same thing. But I don’t bother telling her that. She’s dismissing me because I’m complaining. I’m not the child that complains. I stay silent, rock-like, until something horrible happens and people notice me.

So, I swallow the lump in my throat and say, “He’s not Oliver.”

“Of course not. I’m sorry this seems like tough love, baby, but you two were unhealthy. What happened after was not healthy. I don’t want you hurting.”

Like you’d know if I was…

“What?” she asks, voice higher.

Fuck. Did I say that out loud? “Sorry,” I grumble, inwardly cursing myself and kicking the dumpster.

“If I did something wrong, you need to tell me.”

My eye twitches while I zone out on the asphalt. “No. It’s fine. I’m just tired.”

“Do you feel ignored?”

“No,” I growl and then pinch my lips shut with my fingers.

“Phoenix Sawyer, do not lie to me.”

Damn it.Damn it.Shit dick. “What did you say?” I ask dramatically.

“Do not lie. Tell me the truth.”

“I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up.”

She repeats herself, flustered with me, and I yell into the receiver, “Shitty service. I’ll call you tomorrow. Love you.” I hang up, fist my phone, and take a deep breath.

Do I feel ignored? Yeah. Yes, I do.

Everyone else comes first. I’m fuckingused to it.She didn’t need to ask me that. All I wanted from this was to tell someone the truth about what happened last year. I may be searching for reasons to justify my wishy-washy attitude over this situation with Eli. Maybe if I can get it out of me, this secret I harbor, then I’ll feel better about diving into the deep end when I’m not sure that I won’t drown in it.

I’m upset with my mom.

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