Page 56 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

None of these animals belong here. Do they feel hollow, too?

“Are you alright?” he asks, hands in the front pocket of his hoodie.

“Yeah.” I turn my attention to the penguins we’re looking at—the air inside is a bit frosty yet humid.

“It’s meant to be fun, you know. Look at how derpy they are.”

I get it. People like the wonder that comes from looking at them. Not every day do you see a penguin grooming its ass feathers. Phoenix shares the same mentality, but all I see is an echo of myself. Being moved from place to place, never belonging anywhere. I want to belong somewhere. He laughs at a penguin eating shit on this stupid fake ice slide. The sound makes my heart skip a beat. As corny as it sounds, it’s true. I’ve always loved Phoenix’s laugh.

He thinks I’m cured of all my issues, I’m sure. Miraculously, he’s managed to keep me safely tucked away in his apartment without incident. Not that I haven’t tried to sneak out or flat-outrun. I don’t feel good. My guts have calmed down, thankfully, and I’m horny, but my head just won’t shut up. All these seemingly unimportant things trigger bigger things that I’ve either made it a point to forget or can’t help but remember.

And then there’s my aunt.

What am I going to do? It’s my fault she’s in my house, and she knows it. I refuse to go back while she’s infesting the place. And I certainly can’t stay here with Phoenix. Eventually, I’ll get worse. Those hideously dark moments he’s never seen will come out, and then what? Kiss and makeup? No amount of dick or snuggling or pancakes or zoo trips is going to fix what’s been destroyed inside me.

I’ll get my medicine again.

It’s only a matter of time.

“Hey,” he says softly, cupping my arm.

“How much more is there to see?” I ask.

He sighs. “Have you been just counting the minutes until we leave?”

I shrug. “Don’t feel the greatest,” I admit, which surprises me.

Nodding, his eyes softening, he slinks his hand down to mine and holds it. “We can go.”

“But you want to see the otters,” I say.

During the entire drive here, he wouldn’t shut up about them and how they held hands. There was some genuine excitement. “I can come back another time.”

I chew my cheek, watching the mild disappointment settle in his shoulders. “No, let’s go see them.” Offering him a super fake smile, hoping he won’t notice, I lead him away, but he keeps his feet rooted.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

His eyes lock on mine, an edge forming that wasn’t there before. “I can feel you, remember? You hate it here. You haven’t enjoyed a single second. I won’t make you stay to see animals you don’t care about. And don’t try to argue, Eli. I’m a big boy. I can handle not seeing otters. You…you’re more important, okay?”

I’m more important. Did I hear that correctly? “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” He yanks me back to his chest, hugging me tight. “And I keenly remember being promised a blowie earlier.”

I huff, rolling my eyes, and bite his collarbone.

Tracy: You didn’t pay the electric bill? It’s winter, Elijah!

Ialso didn’t pay for the internet, but I guess that’s not shut off yet.

Phoenix glances over at me while I open up my bank app. It’s not like I’m not getting paid for older videos, but it’s not as much as I’m used to. And because I’ve had to buy medicine from everywhere and a stupid copay for my urgent care visit, I’ve got less in here than I’d like. Besides, Tracy has been using electricity as if she were personally charging the neighborhood. The bill has never been so much.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

Nothing isokay.

I keep digging a deeper hole for myself to rot in. How am I supposed to get out of it? I’m across the country with my ex, who can’t keep or help me. Shoving my phone back into my pocket, I rub my eyes while a headache blooms behind them. Hurting everywhere all the time is getting really fucking old. I don’t know how long I can do this act for Phoenix. Even if being with him again means more to me than I’ll ever admit.

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