Page 57 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

“When is Kelly coming back again?” I ask, voice low.

“On Sunday.” It’s Friday now. Can I manage two more days? “What’s going on?”

“I need to…” Fuck I don’t know what. I need to get my head right—I need to make it shut up.

“You don’t have to leave, Eli. We can get like a hotel or something.”

“Can’t afford it,” I lie.

“I can.” He stares at the side of my head, chest rising and falling a little faster.

When I started this long trek back to him, this kind of insistence was all I wanted. I secretly craved it. I wanted him to fight for me, beg me to stay with him, and even though he’s not being as forceful as I’d like, he is trying. But it’s not what I wantnow.

Now, all I can think about is my stash of meds in my bedroom, tucked away in my closet next to my big fake dildo. My mouth is drying out at lightspeed because I have to stay miserable as long as I’m around Phoenix.

I have to remain in this constant pain.

“I’m leaving. It’s…I have to. My aunt is out of control, and I need her to go.”

He’s quiet. Why is he always fuckingquiet?

“And I don’t need a babysitter.”

Silence. His eyes are glued to the highway, his jaw tight, and his knuckles white.

“Besides, I know you go do Christmas stuff with your family,” I try again.

He jerks his head in what I’m assuming is a nod.

What the fuck does he want me to do? Honestly? Just live in a hotel with him indefinitely, keep suffering and pretending it’s all okay because I’m willing to fuck him and let him cuddle me? Bullshit. That’s not the reality here; we can’t stay in this illusion. Well, maybe he can, but I certainly can’t. I’m losing my damn mind.

This impending doom chomping at my heels never really goes away. It’s some hellish beast ready to swallow me whole if I don’t outrun it. And I’ve been trying to do that my whole life. How am I supposed to make money if I have no desire to make porn? Where am I going to live if I have no money and my aunt destroys my house? I don’t have friends, and I certainly can’t call up my old collaborators.

That’d be a nightmare.

It isn’t that I don’t want to be a functioning adult. I’ve always wanted that. And I’ve tried to talk myself into therapy, but I make excuses not to try it out. Frankly, I don’t want some stranger learning about my past. Don’t want them knowing what goes on inside my brain. If I don’t trust Phoenix with that, there’s no way I’d trust anyone else. I’ve hurt so many people because I don’t know what to do with myself or how to fix what’s broken.

Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I need like…support. That’s what they say, isn’t it?

The people who’ve hit rock bottom and somehow got back up to the surface? A support system. I peek at Phoenix. He’s fuming at the ears, silent as the grave, and it hurts knowing that it can’t be him. As high and mighty as he likes to pretend to be, he’s fucked up too. The shit with his brother has tainted his mind, made him incapable of seeing underneath the layers of armor I’ve wrapped myself in.

Two stubborn motherfuckers in love with each other is a recipe for carnage. Period. It’s better this way; it's better just to let it go.

I tried and failed to do the olive branch. Even though I took back what I said that day, I took back everything…

“It’s just MEDICINE!”

My hand leaves the steering wheel to grab his wrist. Fuck he won’t stop screaming at me, his rage so potent it feels like a living entity invading my skin.

“Phoenix, stop!” I shout back, ramming my elbow into his chest, scrambling to get control over the wheel.

“No! Because you’re a fucking lying piece of shit.” He successfully gets the bag of cocaine out of my pocket.

Panic fills my body as I lunge for it. He can’t take it. He can’t. The urge to admit it isn’t Adderall comes up to the back of my throat like chunky vomit, but I swallow it down. “It’s mine!” I scream, tears squirting free, our hands wrestling over the bag.

The car swerves violently, so I abandon him to get us back into the lane, but he opens the bag. “Wanna tell me again how this is just medicine? Do you want to lie to me some more? Because I swear to god I’ll snort this shit right now, and let's see what it does to me.”

“It’s a prescription!”

---