Page 72 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

“I know. I know there is, but I need you to take a breath. Come on. In through your nose and out through your mouth.” Kelly joins me as we talk him through breathing. “That’s it. Keep doing it.”

It takes a few minutes, but we eventually get him calm. I move him over to the couch, where he instantly crawls into my lap, hiding in my chest. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s reverting to some child-like frame of mind as he relives the trauma I always suspected he had. Does this mean he trusts me? Is he finally opening up? Kelly texts furiously, probably updating Jorge…possibly Michael and Devon too. I honestly am way out of my element. I don’t know what to do other than praise him.

Sure, arson is illegal and a bit extreme, but I can see why he’d do it. High or not. A person can only live through so much emotional suffering before they snap. I can’t help but think I had something to do with it.

“Phoenix,” he rasps, clawing at my sides.

“Shhh.”

“I just need it quiet. Please make it quiet.”

Kelly’s eyes are puddles of sympathy at his desperate plea. “I have an idea,” I tell him, gathering him in my arms and rising from the sofa. He coils his arms around my neck, cheek plastered to mine.

I carry him to the bathroom and shut the door. Somehow I manage to flip on the shower. Sitting him on the closed toilet, I grab my phone and find his favorite song. He’s breathing hard, eyes shut tight.

ShoutbyTears For Fearsplays through the speaker.

It’s loud enough to hear over the shower spray. Fuck, the words hit so much deeper now that I’ve been given a glimpse into what he’s lived through.

“Lift your arms,” I tell him, and he does.

His chest heaves up and down while I get the sweats and briefs off. Once he’s bare, I do the same. Then I pick him back up and bring him into the shower. I made sure to repeat the song. I can’t make it quiet in his head. That’s impossible, but I candrownit out. With this song, with my presence, with the warm water washing away all the shit clinging to him.

“I’m talking to you, come on,” I sing to him.

With one arm under his knees, the other cradling his back, I sing that whole song five times. He stares at me the entire time, lucidity slowly returning to his eyes. I’m ready to fight for him.

Finally.

Eli passed out as soon as he hit my bed. I lingered for a while, watching him breathe like I used to before wandering into the living room. I slump into the couch, and Helios immediately jumps into my lap.Fuck, I forgot to feed him.

“I already did it,” Kelly says from the washing machine.

“Thanks.”

My cat bumps at my fingers, demanding pets, and I give in to him. He purrs wildly, probably trying to comfort me. I’m emotionally exhausted, having gone through so many in such a short period. I need to get Eli’s things from his hotel, but I’m honestly afraid to see the state of it. The cut on his leg is deep. He’s got eight visible stitches. I was careful not to let any soap get on them while I scrubbed his body, but just seeing it—fuck, there’s going to be blood. My chest hammers, remembering the other hotel.

“Kelly,” I croak, unsure I can see it again.

“Yeah?”

“Are you feeling any better?”

“Debatable, why?”

I swallow and scoop Helios to my chest. “Eli’s things are at his hotel. I…I was going to ask if you wouldn’t mind getting them.”

“I mean, I can. What the hell was that, though?” She shuts the washing machine and walks over to me. “He just went into a full-blown panic.”

“Wouldn’t you?” I say with a frown. “I mean. He said there’s more.More.”

She nods solemnly and sighs. “Did you know any of that?”

“Nothing. Not a thing.”

“What are you going to do?”

WhatamI going to do? The obvious answer is to be here for him. To help him however he needs it. But the reality is that I’m not qualified for this shit. I’m not a doctor or therapist. I barely acknowledgemyissues. I wouldn’t know the first thing about dealing withthat.Not that I don’t want to, because I do. If I could make it all better with some sweet words and good sex, I’d have a poem written and my dick out.

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