Page 78 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

“Good. I want to take you out to dinner.”

“Why?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.

He shrugs a little, swiping a thumb over my bottom lip. “Show you something nice for a change.”

My stomach—which did feel fine—swoops at his sentence. “You…you already do,” I admit, feeling my anger slowly die down.

“Not enough. I was thinking we could go to the Cheesecake Factory. I know how much you like it.”

I haven’t been there since…since we were together. “Um. Yeah. Okay.”

“You can even borrow my leather jacket.” He smirks.

Oh hell, I fucking blush.

One of our first sleepovers as a couple, Phoenix had made me fuck him wearing just his leather jacket. He said I was born to wear it. All those metal patches sewn into it and the studs on the shoulders are ridiculous, but after I’d made him whimper and cry, I peeked in the mirror. I did look really good in that jacket. Then it dawns on me. He’s trying. It’s different from what I’m used to, and I want to reject this tenderness because it doesn’t fit into the mold we’ve created in the past.

We were either ravenous wild animals, fucking like our lives depended on it, or we fought. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, or I’m too stubborn to want to acknowledge the in-between bits right now, but Phoenix was never like…this. I think this might be the part of him he always wanted to show me, but I wouldn’t allow it. A sudden resurge of desperation to fix it all nearly knocks me to my ass, especially when he cups my neck and kisses me hard.

“Let me take care of you, sweetheart,” he whispers against my lips.

I blink back the sting in my eyes. “You shouldn’t have to.”

“I want to.” He searches my eyes. “Let me, okay?”

He’s not leaving me with a way to deny him. I have no legs to stand on or argument to justify it. “Okay,” I tell him, and he beams, making my heart flutter like it used to.

This is the most fucked up honeymoon phase ever. On one hand, the past few days have been wonderful.

Phoenix hasn’t lost his patience, hasn’t judged, and hasn’t picked a fight with me. Even when I tried to leave…again. But on the other hand, I’m counting down the days until he goes back on tour. I’m practically salivating to be left to my own devices, knowing once he’s gone, nothing is stopping me from getting my medicine.

I’ve let him have me whenever he wants, the constant throbbing in my ass a reminder of how much he loves fucking me. Not that I mind it. In fact, it’s a welcome pain. Something I can cling to during the day when the pain inside gets too much to bear. He’s asleep right now, his nose whistling softly. The past two nights, after we have sex and he professes his love a million times, I find myself on my phone, staring at this website.

It’s a dance studio that teaches adults ballet—beginnerballet. I didn’t think something like that existed, as most studios tend to cater to kids. Nibbling my lip, I watch the little video over and over again. It showcases the entire building and goes over the classes and instructors. My chest pinches sharply as I scroll down to the sign-up information.

Some deep, buried part of my soul urges me to fill it out, but I don’t dare.

Instead, I open up the other tab in my browser. This website is even more daunting. I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe, so I close out of them and set my phone on Phoenix’s nightstand. Blinking up at the ceiling, my fingers spasm, and pain slices through me.Ballet is for girls and gays.Well, I’m fucking gay, aren’t I? My twisted aunt didn’t know what she was talking about because it doesn’t matter what you identify as or who you prefer to fuck. Dance is foreveryone.

Fucking everyone.

I glance at Phoenix, watching his eyes shift beneath their lids. I should leave. I could go right now, and he’d be none the wiser until he woke up and found no one beside him. Kelly is staying at Devon’s during the night because she doesn’t want to hear us having sex. I don’t blame her. We are loud. Tomorrow, Phoenix has to go to the studio for practice. He doesn’t need it, but that’s what bands do. Play their songs until their ears bleed. He wants me to come with him, too. Get used to being around his friends again.

While Jorge and Kelly have been unusually welcoming, I don’t know if the other two will.

This is a safe place, as Kelly has said.Theyare a safe place. But what if I taint it? What if my being around them all tarnishes their otherwise shiny friendship? These are the thoughts that nearly crippled me over the past few days. I just want to stop thinking. Stop…everything. But then I think about how hard Phoenix has been trying. How…beautiful he’s been to and for me.

Does he deserve this?

I reach out and run my fingers down his bare chest, savoring the warmth of his skin and soft texture. It would destroy him if I left. And part of me knows it’d destroy me too. He sighs contently in his sleep while I drag my index over his nipple, deliberately making it pebble. My cock tingles while watching it, and before I can stop myself, I press a wet kiss to it. He moans a little but is still out.

“I’m trying to figure it out,” I tell him, nuzzling his chest and spooning his side. “I want to figure it out,” I whisper. “But I’m scared.”

Carding my fingers through his limp ones, I take the opportunity to keep going, knowing he can’t hear me. “I wish I wasn’t like this, baby. All fucked up inside. And I honestly should have kept my distance. You would’ve gotten over me eventually, probably. I wouldn’t have. I never did. That’s the thing about you, Phoenix. Ithurtsme that you would’ve moved on. And you would have found someone better than me. Someone who wasn’t afraid to look you in the eye and tell you what I am now.

“Do you know that, too? Can you see yourself with someone better than me? Someone who can say they love you with their whole heart and know what it means? I could tell you that I love you, but I don’t know if it’s the truth, you know? What the fuck do I know about love, baby? I know I want you more than I want or have ever wanted anyone else. When I can clear my head long enough to be there with you, I feel…happiness.

“I feel so happy for those moments but can’t keep them. They go away so fast, and I—” I stop myself because he’s stirring. My voice is no longer a whisper, so I wait a few minutes. Once he’s settled, I say one last thing. “I want to love you, Phoenix. I want it so bad. But I don’t love myself. I hate me. And I don’t think your love is enough for the both of us.”

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