Page 80 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

“You’re coming with me,” I tell him, and my tone leaves no room for argument.

Yet, argue he does. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Yes, you can, and you are.”

He shakes his head, shoving his hands in his hoodie pocket. “I’m not going to Europe.”

“Why the fuck not?” I raise my voice, feeling that repressed anger rising higher and higher. “We both know what happens if you don’t.”

“It’ll happen if I go,” he says dryly. “Being around you won’t change that.”

“But ithas! It fucking has! You’ve been sober four days, Eli. And I know it’s hard. I realize that. I see it. But you can’t tell me that being with me doesn’t change things. I know it does.”

“And how does it change, Phoenix? Do tell me because as someone actively living in my own fucking body, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that you changenothing.”

I reel back like he slapped me, and it honestly feels like he did. “So, what? Was all of this just fucking pretend? A goddamn joke to you?”

“No,” he says quickly and swallows. “It wasn’t.”

“Then?” His stare hardens, and I can feel the doors slamming shut. “Oh no, you don’t. Don’t you dare shut down. Not right now. Not after everything.”

“Fine,” he growls and stomps over to me. “You want to know what’s going on in here?” He aggressively thumps his temple. “It’s a cesspool. Every second of every day, I hurt. Imagine being shredded alive from the inside out and unable to stop it. Of never getting a break. Of feeling like you’re dying and hating yourself. Ihatemyself, Phoenix. I do think I would be better off if I were dead. And yet here I am, playing fucking house with you like I’m not counting the goddamn seconds until you leave so I canfeel better.”

“Stop,” I rasp, but he keeps going.

“I don’t want to go with you. I don’t want to be shackled to your side and treated like a rabid animal about to bite the hand that feeds it. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to bemeanymore!” he roars in my face, and I recoil. “I’m a pathetic little bitch every day of my life, and I’m sick of it. Sick of being like this,” he grabs at his jacket, nails attempting to tear it off, “I want to get high, alright? Because at least my medicine won’t abandon me. It’ll never judge. It’ll never yell at me or break my heart. It’s a comfort, a warm fucking blanket that I can’t wait to wrap around my body anddiein it.”

A sob rips from my throat, so I slap my palm over my mouth so my audible heartbreak isn’t echoing off the damn building.

He heaves a breath, eyes wide like he can’t believe he just said that shit to me. “Phoenix.”

I shake my head and back up.

“Phoenix. Fuck. That… No, just wait.”

I don't wait for him. Ivanish.

Jogging to my car like my life depends on it while history repeats itself, I feel my heart shattering all over again.

But this time,this time, it’s so much worse.

It’s fucking fatal this time.

God, I can’t do this anymore.

“Mom,” I croak, sobbing as she opens the front door.

“Oh, honey,” she coos and pulls me into her arms.

I stand on my parents’ front porch and bawl my eyes out, clinging to her because I didn’t know where else to go or what to do. I was wrong. Wrong about everything. All my efforts meant fuck all to Eli. And to think, I seriously thought if I just kept on being nice, supportive, and gave every ounce of my love to him that it’d matter—that it’dmatter.

Mom holds me tight, murmuring to me.

“It’s okay; you’re alright. Tell me what happened,” her voice echoes in my ear.

But I can’t speak. All I can do is cry. Cry for all that could’ve been if he had just tried. Cry because I finally fucking fought for him, and he shit on it like it was nothing. Like my love was a nuisance. A fucking inconvenience. Nyxia hears me at the door, and I’m vaguely aware of her arms encircling me, followed by my dad’s voice coming from the living room.

“What happened?” he hollers, but we ignore him.

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