Page 81 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

None of it mattered to him. All that matters are his drugs. And I’m a fool for ever thinking I could be enough.

He’s just too broken, his mind too warped.

Deep in my heart, I know that everything he said was a cry for help, but despite begging for it, he doesn’t even want it. New Year’s Eve is tomorrow. I had grand plans to take him to see fireworks, kiss him at midnight, and tell him again how much I loved him and how proud I was of him.

Not anymore.

“Phoenix?” my dad is at the door now, and Mom pulls away. I meet my dad’s eyes, the same green that I inherited in one of mine. All my life, I’ve felt like my dad didn’t like me, but right now, I’ve never seen him more concerned. “You gotta talk, son.”

“I…can’t,” I say through hiccups. Dad rests his cane against the front door, scoots my mom and sister away, and hauls me into his chest. At that, I really fall apart. Full-on ugly sobbing into my dad’s neck because he hasn’t hugged me like this since I was ten.

“Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. Alright?” he tells me, rubbing firm strokes down my back. I fist my hands in his shirt, my heart obliterated and revived all at once. “Please, Phoenix. Tell me.”

“Everyone…was…right,” I wheeze. “About…Eli.”

Dad stiffens, but it disappears as fast as it had happened. “That man hurt you?” he growls.

I cry harder. “Dad, let’s get him inside,” Nyx suggests softly.

“I’m holding my boy. Give him a minute,” he tells her, and I whimper. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

I let Dad hold me for a while, and eventually, I calmed down enough to go inside. Well, calm isn’t the right word. I’m wrung dry. My eyes feel like two pissholes in the sand. I’m shaking, sweaty, and overall feeling terrible. Dad makes me sit on the couch, leaning heavily on his cane because I’m sure his back hurts standing straight for so long. He pats my shoulder and goes to his recliner. Mom throws a blanket over me, and I hear the kettle whistling in the kitchen.

“I’ll get you some tea, hun,” she chirps.

Nyx clings to my side, holding my hand while I find a regular breathing rhythm. “Are you seeing Eli again?” dad asks.

“I tried,” my voice cracks as I say it, chest resplitting.

Dad hums in acknowledgment, thumping his thumb over the armrest. “Never liked him,” he grunts.

“No one really did,” Nyx admits. “But we tried to, for you.”

“Well,Iliked him. I love him,” I say, tears forming all over again. “I love him so much, and it’s killing me.”

Dad sniffs like he usually does, judging my choice of romantic partner. But then he says something that shocks all of us. “You always pick boys, Phoenix. Not men. And that’s the problem. You can’t fix someone, nor can you save them, son.”

My jaw hangs open to my chest. Nyx’s too. Mom hovers with my cup of tea, eyes watering as she looks at her husband. “Holy shit, Dad,” Nyx blurts.

“What?”

“I always thought you…well, you know,” she says while I add, “Hate that I’m gay.”

He scoffs. “No. That’s never been an issue.” Toying with the handle of his cane, he looks me dead in the eye and says, “I know I’m hard on you kids, have expectations, and maybe some residual prejudice due to my upbringing, but it never bothered me that you like men. It bothered me that you chose thewrongmen. Men that hurt you. Like that Luke kid in high school. He was a prick.”

I could catch bats in my mouth with how far it’s hanging off its hinges. “You’re joking.”

“Why would I joke about this?”

“I’ve heard you call people fags.”

He frowns like he doesn’t remember. “As I said, bad habits are hard to kick sometimes, Phoenix. Does that make it okay? Of course not. And if I ever offended you, I apologize. You’re my son.Myson. I wish you made better choices in romantic partners.”

I suck my mouth closed and nod, not wanting to argue over this. Mom hands me the cup of tea and goes over to press a kiss on my dad’s cheek. “Drink that, and then tell us what happened,” she says.

I nod and drink my tea.

Eli

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