Page 82 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories
I Want Blood
Fuck. Why the fuck did I say that?
I claw at my hair while Phoenix’s car peels away from the parking spot and down the street.
This is it. I’ve ruined it all.
This is why I don’t say what I feel or how I think. I knew the moment I did that he’d see me for what I really am, and now I can’t take it back—I can’t take back the spew of raw sewage I dumped on his heart. Being with him changes nothing. Why did I say it? Why did I destroy him again?
Holding the top of my head and struggling to breathe, I feel my guts shrivel when the studio door opens, all of his friends crowding me. What do I tell them? The truth? Fuck, I think they might kill me. I can’t lie, either. And when Jorge stomps up to me, grabs the collar of my hoodie, and gets in my face, I can’t stop the wobble of my chin.
“What did you say to him?” he snarls. “What the fuck did you do?”
“Woah, calm down,” Devon says, palming his shoulder, but Jorge shakes him off.
“That’s my brother, youasshole.Mybrother.” His words are sharp and full of protective love.
“I told him the truth,” I say, my voice breaking. “I didn’t want to. But I did. And now he’s gone and…and,” I choke, the air disappearing from my lungs.
“Let him go, Jorge,” Kelly demands, but Jorge doesn’t move away. His hands ball into fists, which I’m sure he wants to throw at my face. “What happened, Eli?” Kelly asks, gentler than she should.
And so, I spill my guts again, trying to repeat it all verbatim so they know the whole story. Michael curses when I get to the part of the story when I tell Phoenix that being with him didn’t change anything. Devon blows out a rough breath, pacing. Kelly is wide-eyed, and Jorge looks ready to kill. Truly. If I survive this, I’ll be shocked. But I don’t stop talking until it’s all out of me, purging all of my darkest thoughts and feelings to people who absolutely hate me.
Instead of beating my ass, Jorge rips his phone out of his pocket, puffing on his vape like a steam engine, and furiously texts someone. I stand there, tears streaming down my cheeks, eyes on the floor. I’m so ashamed of myself. But it was all true. I’m fucked up. Always will be. But I shouldn’t have said it; I should’ve kept it all in like I have my whole life. Phoenix loves me too much not to take it personally. There’s no way in hell he didn’t take it ashedoesn’t matter.
Phoenix matters.
He will always matter.
He gives my heart a reason to beat. And he took that life-saving drum with him. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. He always had that part of me. Always. I sniffle loudly, trying to swallow my cries while his friends talk in hushed voices, even though we’re only a handful of feet apart, and I can hear them clearly.
“We need to find him.”
“He’s not going to listen to us.”
“Fuck, he’s going to be destroyed,” that one is Devon.
Jorge is texting like a madman. And when he eventually stops, his eyes flick to mine with enough fire to melt steel. “You,” he points at me, “fucked. Up. Badly.”
“I know,” I rasp. “I know.”
He nods in agreement, brushing his curls off his face. “God damn it.”
“Where is he?” Kelly asks.
“His parents'.”
“He texted you?” I ask, worried.
“No,” he snaps, eyes narrowing into slits. “But…anyway, it doesn’t matter how I know. I just do. He’s at his parents’, and he’ll be back home later.”
“Should we go get him?” Michael asks, raking a hand through his blonde hair.
“Fuck. Probably? I hate this,” Jorge crumbles, and thenhecries. “He’s my best friend, and you hurt him,” he slurs, big crocodile tears streaming down his cheeks. “And what’s worse is that I get it. I fuckingget it. Okay? Like, the way you feel is valid. Your feelings are valid. But Phoenix.”
Oh my god.
I don’t know what to do. I shift on my feet while Jorge bawls like his dog died. Everyone crowds him, and he greedily accepts all the touching and hugging.
