Page 86 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

Long fingers curl around my arm, pulling me to a stop. He crowds me, popping whatever personal space I’d carved out for myself, and crushes me to his chest. I let out a loudoof, feeling both numb and overstimulated. I’m shaking, he’s shaking, we’re both fucking crying. This is the raw, ugly truth of our relationship.

Catastrophic. Toxic.Carnage.

“I’m sorry,” he says, face pressed into my hair. “I’msorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I can’t stop being a fucking idiot.”

He pulls back a fraction, a hand coming up to brush the tears off my cheek. “I didn’t mean to say it like that,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Shaking his head, he kisses my eyes. Each one. Slowly. God damn him. “Come back inside. Please.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” A ball works in my throat while I recall him screaming at Jorge that he didn’t want to see me.

“I freaked out. I just freaked out. Please just come back in.”

I suck my bottom lip between my teeth, white-knuckling my suitcase handle. “Phoenix—”

“You have to be able to tell me this shit. I can’t take it personally. Can’t…can’t keep being like this. I don’t want to lose you again.”

My mouth parts as I exhale roughly. “Why do you even want to keep me to begin with? Look at what I do to you.”

“I told you,” he says firmly, fighting back sniffles. He brings my hand up to his chest, holding it there. “You’re my heart.”

“And I’m bad for it. That’s why I need to leave. To…to try and be different.”

“I don’t want you to be different.”

“Yes, you do,” I say, attempting to pull my hand back, but he is unmovable. “I’ve only shown you the tiniest bit of how fucked up I am, and you break down. I can recognize it even if you can’t.”

His fingers squeeze my palm, his head shaking adamantly. “This can’t have all been for nothing, Eli. That’s the part that breaks me down. Thinking that everything we’ve been through is for nothing.”

“It will be if shit doesn’t change,” I snap, and he lets go of my hand. Taking a breath and raking at my hair, I fight through the mess in my brain to find the right words. “What I said earlier was the truth. It was shitty and mean, and yeah, I could’ve worded it better, but that’s the reality. It’s what I deal with daily. As long as that’s my life, I’ll never be able to give you what you want. And, fuck, I want to give it to you, Phoenix. I want to so bad, but I just can’t.

“Look at me. Take a good look. I’m skin and bones. My face looks one shade above being a corpse. I’m losing hair. Every day, my hands shake. I’m not the guy you met three years ago. And even then, that guy was a fake. A pretty shell I presented to get you in my bed becauseyouare beautiful. And I selfishly wanted you even though I knew pretty fucking fast you didn’t do casual. You want forever.

“And yeah, I thought I could do it. God knows I tried for you. But I can only fake it for so long, and that’s why everything came to a head at Veronica’s wedding. You whispered that you wanted me forever, and I couldn't breathe. If I keep going like this, I won’t be around to give you a wedding, let alone a proposal. There won't be a forever. I don’t even understand why I feel like I do about you because no one other than you has ever loved me. I pay attention. I listen. I know you love me. I’ve known it foryears.

“So just…let me go, baby. For a little while. Allow me to stop hurting you.”

My throat hurts from how much I just spoke, and my chest pounds rapidly while Phoenix simply searches my face. He’s not stupid; he understands what I’m saying, and for once, I feel like I did a good job of explaining myself. It feels like the truth. The truth I should’ve told him a long time ago. It’s painful as all hell because this feels like a breakup despite us not actually being together.

But I’d like to try it one day. I really would.

“I won’t be able to get a hold of you,” he finally croaks.

“Not for the first few weeks, no. It’s part of the program.”

“And after?”

“Depends on how I do,” I tell him honestly.

“But…what if you need me?”

Damn it. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him as close as possible, and nuzzle into him. “I always need you.”

“Maybe I can ask someone to fill in for me. I think Dark Wing’s—”

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