Page 9 of Beneath Cherry Blossom Memories

“Hello,” Leon chirps. His accent isn’t as thick as I expected. “You’re Phoenix, right?”

I nod once.

“I was watching the set, and you guys killed it.” Alright, I guess his smile is nice. Straight teeth.

“Thanks,” I say softly, trying to mask my feelings.

Jorge feels me tense and pipes up fast. “It was a dope start to the tour. Everyone put in their all and it shows. The TikToks are already popping up. Andre looks like he’s about to shit in one of them.”

The pair of them laugh at Jorge’s bluntness.

We’ve never met Headhunter before. Dark Wing, the headliner band, organized the tour. We know the members of Dark Wing pretty well. I had high hopes of smooth sailing this tour. Chatting when it was needed of me and being my usual antisocial self the rest of the time. It seems like Leon wants to bond because he starts asking me about my kit.

“---thatsnare.The sound was so crisp.”

“Uh, yeah. It’s simple to get it to do that.” And so, I explain how I tighten the cymbal and hit it while playing. He nods, listening eagerly, but then suddenly stops and pulls out his phone.

I see it the moment his demeanor shifts. He gulps audibly, a blush creeping up his face.Motherfucker.Without a shadow of a doubt, I know he’s either reading a filthy text from Eli or looking at an obscene picture of Eli. He enjoys doing both when he wants you desperate and needy.

“Well,” Leon croaks. “I better get going. It was so good to meet you.”

“You too, bro,” Jorge says with a bit of bite to his voice.

“Yeah. You too,” I murmur and turn towards the bus before anyone can see the disfiguring of my features.

I ignore Devon, Michael, Kelly, and our driver, Terry. Making a beeline to my bunk, I throw myself in it and shut the curtain. It’s the equivalent of a coffin, which is fitting because I need to be confined so I can die in peace. Laying flat on my back with my hands folded over my stomach, I take a deep breath and hold it. It hurts more than it should.

We've been over for a year. To the fucking day.

Not only have I not attempted to contact Eli because as devastated as I am inside, I won't chase after someone. He also made it clear that his disappearance and temporary deactivation of his social media accounts meant he didn't want to be contacted. I might be strange, quiet, and closed off, but I'm not that guy. Not the “pick me” type. Maybe if I were, he'd give me another chance. But do I even want that? I don't know Eli like I thought. He hid so much from me that the person I fell in love with doesn't exist. At least, that's what I tell myself.

I loved what he presented.

I loved fucking him and watching him breathe.

I loved how he moved through the world like nothing could hurt him, his ever-present broodiness, how short he is, how he would dominate me, and how he'd justknowthings that I never talked about. But there's a darkness to him I didn't know how to love. Most of the time, I didn't want to because I knew what that would mean for us, and it scared me.

All his scars. The endless ladder of proof his life wasn't always good. He'd sometimes vanish for days and then come back hungrier than ever. And then there was always that gut feeling inside me thatknewhe did drugs. My brother, Oliver, still struggles with the stuff, and Eli would lie to my face. Tears prick the corners of my eyes as my breaths grow shallower, more unsteady. I really thought I could fix him. We'd somehow overcome all his issues, and it'd be forever.

I told him that night that I wanted forever. Obviously, he didn't.

“You okay, man?” Jorge asks softly. He's standing outside my shallow bunk, waiting for permission to pull the little curtain back.

“No,” I croak because I can’t lie to him right now.

“Let me in.”

Absently tugging the curtain open a few inches, I don’t bother looking at him. In silence, Jorge opens it fully and shoves at my side. I wiggle over as far as I can so he can slide into my bunk with me. As soon as we’re mildly comfortable, he flips onto his side. “What hurts?”

The top bunk rests only a handful of inches above my face. I swallow hard, wetting my lips. “Everything. I miss him.”

My best friend cuddles me. I lean my head against his, letting the comfort soothe me like a warm blanket. “I feel that way sometimes about Riley. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t try harder, ya know? She seemed almost half-assed in the breakup. It was like she was giving me an option to argue it. But I didn’t. I let her go.”

I close my eyes, remembering his ex-girlfriend, who was probably the only person he ever loved romantically. “Why did you?”

He sucks in a rough breath, threading our hands together. “Because I know it wouldn’t work. She wanted kids ‘n all that. She wanted that family man. There was a disconnect. Sometimes, love isn’t enough.”

I flip on my side so we are nose to nose. “Shouldn’t it be?”

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