Page 19 of Strange Lad

So does Phoenix, my inner voice growls. Fuck you, inner voice. Phoenix doesn’t need me anymore.

But I can be there for both of them.

I’m the bestest friend ever.

Juggling the two of them will be a breeze. I’ve done it for this long already; what’s the harm in doing it until they overcome their differences? Then we canallbe besties. A dopey grin forms on my lips just thinking about it. See, it’ll be alright.

I got this. I can do this.

Imight throw up.

It’s right there, scratching at my tonsils, scalding the back of my tongue.

Phoenix stares into his coffee like it holds all the answers, and Eli watches me nervously. He still thinks I hate him for whatever reason. I don’t,obviously, or else I’d never have helped him win back my best friend. Sure, I was upset with him before, frustrated, but I don’t hate the dude. If I did, I’d have laid him on his ass that day in front of the studio.

No.

What Idohate is the conversation. I’m sweating bullets.

“Nyx won’t give me his address,” Phoenix says again. He’s repeated it three times. “I’m going to have to beg.”

I’m at his and Kelly’s place, where Eli is currently living, as well, until they can make it out to Chicago to serve his terrible aunt with a restraining order. I don’t blame them for not putting a rush on it, though. That could fuck with Eli’s recovery.

“I don’t understand the secrecy,” Eli comments softly, squeezing Phoenix’s thigh.

“Me either,” I say loudly. Too loud. Fuck my dick.

“Are you okay?” Eli asks, prompting Phoenix to look up from his coffee and directly into my soul.

I might cryandthrow up. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m just sad that this is happening.”Liar, liar pants on fire.

Phoenix groans and rubs his face. “What do I do? Should I just fucking stalk my sister? She has to visit him, right?”

I purse my lips as if in thought while pretending I know absolutely nothing. No information here. “That might…cause an issue. I think.”

Eli’s eyes narrow on me and I hold the spit in my mouth so I don’t swallow. “Why would it cause an issue?”

Shrugging and casually letting my saliva glide down my throat, I spin the cup in front of me. “What if he doesn’t want to be found?” Oli says he doesn’t, so it’s not a lie, right?

“I don’t know what else to do, Jorge,” Phoenix says painfully. “I miss him. And now that I know he’s getting better, I’d really like to right my wrongs.”

This is the ultimate suckage.

All I want is to come clean and wash my hands of this stupid secret, but Oli’s face flickers before me. I’d be hurtinghimby coughing it up. Oli isn’t ready to talk to Phoenix. Hewon’t tell me why, either. I know it has to do with the lack of communication before Veronica’s wedding.

Damn it.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat and rub my stomach. I can’t betray Oli, but I can’t help Phoenix. I’m stuck. Hands tied. Lips sealed.

“Just give it time,” I say as carefully as possible. “He’ll come around.” Even I’m not confident there, and I’ve been trying for over a year to get him to just hear Phoenix out.

“I fucking hope so,” he growls and shoves his cup away from him. He looks so defeated.

Fuck, this is all my fault.

I nibble my lip nervously while Eli nuzzles him. It’s adorable and gross.

They’re just so in love, Eli giving Phoenix all the attention and comfort he needs. It’s right here in front of me, proof that I’m not needed despite being a lying little fucker. And honestly, that hurts a lot more than I want it to. I don’t know what I’ll do if my projections are true and I’m unwanted. Not needed. A placeholder.

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