Page 50 of Strange Lad

Fuck. I am.

Jorge climbs off me, sits on the empty cushion beside me, and I sag into the couch. Goddammit.Goddamnit!I scrub at my face, hating that I can’t be with him how I want. Hating that I’m like this. Fuck PTSD. Fuck trauma.

“It’s alright. I’m not upset.”

“Iam,” I cry, facing him. Tears build in the corners of my eyes. “I’ve wanted you for so long. So fucking long, and I had you. I had you right here in my hands.” I hold them up. “Do you know how badly I need you? How much I crave you?”

His eyes water, pooling like rivers of honey gold.

“I’m sick of being this way, Jorge. I just want to be a normal man. A man that touches and kisses andfucks.God, I want it more than anything. At least when I was high off my ass, I could do some of it, even for a little while. I could forget that I’m broken. I could forget that I—”

Jorge slips his hand in mine, pulls it to his lips, and kisses its back. “Take a breath,” he tells me. “Come on. In and out.”

I follow his lead, sucking in lungfuls through my nose and out through my mouth. Dr. Langley has gone over this, too, butit works better with Jorge here for some reason. I squeeze his hand, feeling stronger with every breath taken. And after a good ten reps, my heart rate is normal. He smiles sweetly at me, cups his other hand over our combined ones, and waits.

He’s so patient with me. It’s truly mind-boggling.

My own family was never like this. Even Nyx would get upset after a while. Despite being the least overbearing of our whole family, she wasn’t immune to my episodes. At the height of my addiction, I was unbearable to be around. Constantly lashing out, angry at the world, and too high to think before I acted. I said so many horrible things to the people I love.

Even Phoenix. Especially Phoenix.

He’d been there when I overdosed. He was the only one, and I screamed at him. Too fucked up to even look at him. I’d needed him, and he left me. Sure, it was selfish of me to even ask, considering Jorge’s grandma had died, and Phoenix was close to her too, but the pain I was in that night was too sharp, and unfortunately, he was guilty by association.

I still feel that way.

My therapist says I’m valid in the way I feel but reminds me almost every session that it’s unfair to hold something against Phoenix that he’s unaware of. But that’s the thing: no one isaware.Not even Dr. Langley. I won’t tell him who it was. I won’t utterhisname.

“Better?” Jorge asks.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Never apologize for this,” he brings our hands to his chest, “never.”

“Why do you put up with it? You could have any guy you want.”

He smirks, that cocky asshole. “It’s my ass, isn’t it?” I snort, leaning my shoulder against his. He plays with my fingers, watching how they bend as he traces my callouses. “Inall seriousness, I’m 98% sure it’s just you. The whole being attracted to a man thing.”

“How do you know if you don’t try?” The words taste bitter; jealousy pinches my chest. But he deserves to know he isn’t…tied to me. I know I spewed my deepest desires to him minutes ago, but he isn’t mine. Not in that way.

Jorge shrugs, dragging his fingertip over the lines of my palm. It’s a comforting touch, one I happily accept. “It’s not about that. I already know what I like.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I’m a bottom,” he says with a cute frown and a sigh. “That was a little disappointing, I’ll admit. Finding that out all alone. But, at least I know.”

“And what makes you so sure that you’re a bottom?” The question leaves my lips breathless and wanton. I’m invested in knowing the answer.

He peeks at me, blushing. Clearing his throat, he stops his ministrations on my hand and squirms. “Icamehandsfree.”

I laugh, pressing my shoulder into him more and taking over. Now, it’s my turn to play with his fingers. “Come again?”

“I…came… hands-free,” he grumbles.

Images flash through my mind. I can picture it. Him exploring his body, teasing his hole, fucking himself—it’s beautiful and not at all frightening. In fact, I’m eager to learn more. I wet my lips, tracing my finger up and down his middle one.

“And?” I prompt.

“You really want to know?”

---