Page 67 of Strange Lad

“That’s a great accomplishment,” I tell him. That’s what Kristen would say.

“I guess.”

“Thirteen months for me.”

“Damn. How did you manage?”

Honestly, because I had something to look forward to. Something I didn’t want to lose. I’d never had that before. “Purpose.”

Eli snorts and faces me. “Purpose? What kind of crock is that?”

He’s mouthy. I can see why Phoenix likes him. “It’s the truth. Before…I was aimless. Just trying to make…trying to be numb.”

“Same. I’m still trying, but in different ways. Those breathing techniques are fucking stupid.”

I chuckle, agreeing. “They are. But I’ve found with the right person, they help…sometimes.”

“The right person?”

My cheeks heat as I clear my throat. “You know, therapists ‘n stuff.”

“Dr. Langley isnotthe person I want to be breathing with. Just saying.” He raises his hand and smirks. “Have you thought about it, though? Giving in?”

“Every day,” I say honestly. “Some days, it’s worse. Other days, it’s kind of like phantom pain; you feel it, but it’s not really there.”

“Exactly. See, you get it.”

Feeling braver, I relax a fraction and shift to face him head-on, too. “What made you start?”

He takes a deep breath and picks at the frayed strings of his distressed black skinny jeans. “My aunt was really abusive. She’s the reason I knew about drugs, and the reason I…kept doing it. You?”

I swallow hard, debating what to say. Despite not knowing Eli well, I came here for a reason. A reason I’m determined to see through. There’s a high possibility that he’ll just relay everything I say to Phoenix, but something about the look in his eyes tells me he won’t--that some shit stays between addicts. “I was raped in high school.”

Eli doesn’t even blink. “Had to drown out all the shit, huh?”

I nod. “Got to be too much. It still is, even though I make all the right choices.”

“It’s like they’re always with you. Stuck in your head. No matter how good you do or how far you get, there’s that thing on your shoulder, trying to take you down.”

My heart thuds at his explanation. “That’s exactly it. And even when they are quiet, the most insignificant thing can wake them right back up.”

He nods enthusiastically. “I got triggered over macaroni and cheese, man. Phoenix was craving it, and I swear, I was fine until I saw him mix in the flavor packet. Lost my shit and threatened to dump him if he didn’t let me leave.”

“Oh my god,” I laugh. I can’t help it. “I was triggered by some guy throwing a football on the beach. My whole body went into lockdown.”

Eli groans. “It’sthe worst.”

We share a knowing smile. “How does Phoenix handle it? When you’re triggered?” Because he has to be somewhat of a decent person, or I doubt Eli would still be with him.

“Honestly? He’s so fucking stubborn. But I love that he is,” he says softly. “If it’s really bad, he’ll sing to me—terribly, might I add—or he’ll just sit with me while I freak out. Other times, he’ll distract me. It’s a day-by-day thing, but he’s never not there through it. Sometimes, I worry that he’ll get over it in a few years, and we’ll break up again.”

“Phoenix is the epitome of monogamous,” I say with a snort. “He won’t.” When we were kids, all Phoenix would talk about was the family he wanted to have one day. This was before he even knew he was queer.

“Yeah. I mean, I hope so. I’m trying my best to make sure being with me isn’t the worst idea he’s ever had.”

“He loves you,” I tell him. “I’ve always known that.”

A little smile, making his dimple pop. “He’s…everything. I’d be dead if it weren’t for him.”

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