Page 86 of Strange Lad

That sounds ominous.

Are you okay?

No. I’m not.

I came out to Michael and Phoenix.

I’m on my way.

See you soon.

See you soon.

Dread swirls in my gut.

What the hell am I going to do? I’m so afraid of everything blowing up in my face. The way I acted earlier is so unlike me. I don’t run away from Phoenix. I don’t drop bombshells and dip without any explanation. I’ve never been this distant from my best friend. Never let him be. I always bugged. Always stuck my nose in everything. He probably thinks I don’t care anymore.

My need to be needed made me such a clingy friend, and now I don’t know anything.

How are he and Eli doing? Is Eli doing better? Is Phoenix still afraid he’ll leave him? When are they getting their own place?What are they going to do whenever we go on tour again? How is Phoenix’s dad? All these fucking questions I would normally have an answer to, but I don’t.

I quickly text Phoenix.

Give me 'til tomorrow.

I’ll be ready to explain then.

Turning off my phone so I don’t have to deal with more guilt, I toss it on my couch and go take a piss. After, I brush my teeth and gargle with mouthwash. I should take a shower, but I don’t have the energy, and the last thing I want is for Oli to think I’m expecting anything. Opting to change instead, I do just that. As I’m slipping into my shorts, I hear the knock at my door.

My feet lock in place. I scratch my stomach, swallow hard, and feel my eyes water again. I really hope this goes well.

Steeling myself, I force my legs to obey my brain and head out of my room to open the front door. When I do, Oli looks concerned and a little breathless. The tears come out. I can’t stop them because herushedto get to me. I needed him, and he came.

“Don’t cry,” he begs, swooping in and hugging me hard.

I cling to him, desperate for this connection, and shake in his arms. We’ve cuddled a few times throughout the week, mostly because I gave him sad puppy eyes, and he caved. Whenever Oli initiates affection, it’s like I’ve been chosen—like I’m the most important human in the world.

“It just came out. I needed to tell someone, Oli. I’m so tired of not telling anyone,” I cry into his neck.

He easily lifts me off the floor, carries me inside, and kicks the door shut. I band my legs around his hips, holding on so tightly that I fear if I ease up even a fraction, he’ll change his mind andleave me. Sitting on my couch, he adjusts my legs so I can stay sealed to him. I let myself have a good cry for a while, purging all my feelings. He strokes my back and whispers sweet things to me.It’s alright, baby. Shh. You’re okay.

When the torrent finally stops, I sniffle loudly and scrub my face. “I need to get it out of me,” I tell him, sitting back so I can look into his eyes. “I’ve come to terms with my sexuality. I know that I want to be with you. I know that I’m eighty-seven percent in love with you. But what I need more than anything is reassurance, Oli. Ever since last week, it feels like I pushed you away. Did I do something wrong? Did I make you feel pressured? You gotta tell me.” It comes out in a rush, and I heave in deep breaths to calm the fuck down.

“What would you like me to answer first?” he asks sincerely, tucking my curls behind my ear.

“Did I do something wrong?” That feels the most urgent out of everything.

“No.” He offers me a small, sad smile. “You were perfect.”

“Then? What gives? Why have you been distant and weird and—”

“I needed to talk to my therapist. And I did. Today. He’s been essential to how I handle our relationship. Whenever I feel lost, he brings me insight. I want to do this right, Jorge.”

I take another breath. “He got you in a week early?”

Oli nods. “Yes.”

“H-How did that go?” I want to touch him but keep my hands in my lap. I never know when it’s okay to touch him.

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