Page 91 of Strange Lad

My heart trembles and bleeds.

Wave after wave of realization swallows me whole. Not only have I betrayed my best friend in the entire world, but the man I have safely tucked in my heart pocket doesn’t need me. I’m…unwanted.

I take a fumbled step back, almost tripping over my guilt, my devastation.

Phoenix stares at me like he doesn’t know me—like I’m a stranger.

“I need to know why.”

“I—” The words lodge in my throat.

“Tell me why!” Phoenix yells, tears streaming down his cheeks.

My own have long since been staining my face, dribbling down my chin. I hold my arms, feeling small and all alone. Thunder booms inside me. The storm I always knew was coming is finally raining above my head. Eli whispers in Phoenix’s ear, rubbing his chest and nuzzling his weeping lover. Behind us, my front door swings open with a loud bang. We all turn our attention to the door. Oli looks panicked, eyes wide, fists clenched at his sides.

“It’s not his fault,” he rushes out, stomping down my porch steps and standing in front of me.

I cup my mouth to hold in the sob. “I made him promise,” Oli defends me, and I cry harder.

Phoenix ignores me. I’m no longer here. “Why didn’t you tell me, Oli? I have been waiting for you. You could have come to me with anything.”

“I did,” he says so lowly I almost don’t hear it over my cries.

“No, you didn’t. I never knew. I—”

“I did come to you.” Oli slashes his hand through the air. “I begged you to talk to me, and you didn’t.”

Phoenix’s mouth gapes. “When? When?!”

“Eight years ago!” Oli screams. “I told you to your face I needed to tell you something important!”

Blinking through his tears, Phoenix shakes his head. “Rosie’s funeral? Oli, I was fucking grieving!”

“So was I! Grieving the death of my goddamn soul!”

I need to stop this, make it better, help, and save them from their anger. “Let’s go inside, please. We can take five and revisit once we calm down,” I tell them, but the two brothers refuse.

Talking over me, Phoenix steps into Oli’s bubble. “I have given you endless opportunities to talk to me.Endless.You’ve ignored me for over a year, Oli. How is that fair?”

“Now you know how it fucking feels,” he growls, trembling. “Hoping for a lifeline that never fucking comes.”

“You guys,please,” I beg them.

Eli takes my side. “He’s right. This isn’t good, baby. Let’s just…stop for a bit.”

Phoenix looks down at Eli and something silent and intimate passes between them. Taking a breath, Phoenix nods. “Okay. Shit.” He wipes his eyes, steeling his spine.

“Oli,” I whisper, needing him to look at me. To validate that I haven’t lost him.

Oli crosses his arms, shoulders hunched up by his ears. “I need to go.”

“Please don’t,” I beg, while Phoenix says, “You don’t need to go.”

Finally, looking at me, Oli’s eyes are vacant of any light. The green of his irises looks faded and grey. “If I stay, I will hurt all of you. Especially you. I’m not okay, Jorge. I—”

“You don’t have to be okay. Just don’t go. Stay with us.Please.”

Oli grinds his jaw before nodding once, then he goes back inside, leaving the three of us behind. I sneak a glance atPhoenix. “Fuck you, Jorge,” he rasps, raw and aching, then follows his brother.

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