Page 97 of Strange Lad

I watch as they inch closer. Eli and I are just bystanders of this moment that will either rip them apart or glue them back together.

Oli continues, “I blame you, Phoenix. I always have. I blame you for not seeing. I blame you for being his friend. I blame you for putting me in danger whenever you brought me around. I blame you for not knowing. You have loved everyone more than you have loved me. You watched me almost die, and I woke up knowing you didn’t love me—that I was no good anymore. Tainted. Broken.An addict.”

“I hated that you didn’t tell me about the drugs,” Phoenix admits. “That you didn’ttrustme. I hated that you broke our brotherhood by choosing powders over blood. I hated that I told you everything and you told menothing.Even though I didn’t know why, I knew you blamed me for something, and that fucking killed me not knowing what. But most of all, Oli, I hated that you were gone. I miss you so much. You have to know that.”

Phoenix places his hand on Oli’s shoulder, and he doesn’t tense. Instead, he seems to deflate.

“I miss you too,” he whispers. “I’ve only ever admitted that to my therapist.”

The waterworks start again with me as I cup my face, watching them spew their darkness, cleansing the old wounds.

“I’m so fucking mad at you, Oli,” Phoenix whimpers, squeezing his brother’s shoulder.

Oli does the same, placing his hand over Phoenix’s opposite shoulder. “Me too.”

“And Jorge? Seriously?”

“I love him,” he declares. “You don’t say a word to him about it. I did this, not him.”

Phoenix smirks then yanks Oli into his arms.

“Fuck,” I cry.

Eli sneaks over to my side while they hug for the first time inyears.“So… I know Phoenix usually does this, but do you want a hug?” Eli asks awkwardly.

“Yes, I want a hug, you dick.” And I squeeze the life out of Phoenix’s little goth boyfriend.

Phoenix and I stare at each other.

We both were desperate to hit our vape pens, so we’re out front while Eli and Oli are in the house, putting in an order for dinner. I puff my pen while he puffs his. I don’t know where we stand anymore. It’s clear that he and Oli have a lot of past hurt to trudge through, but I lied to Phoenix. I kept his brother away from him. I wouldn’t be surprised if this day marks the end of our twenty-three, almost twenty-four-year-long friendship.

“Why?” he asks after a few beats.

I could say because Oli made me promise. It’s part of the truth. The real reason is so fucked up and selfish. I’m ashamed that I even feel this way, but since we all seem to be on the theme of honesty, I won’t be the odd man out.

“Because Oli needed me in a way you never did.”

He blinks, confusion riddling his features.

I take a breath and explain myself. “When my abuela died, I lost something crucial to my soul. The way she wanted me was something I never got from anyone. Not my parents, sister, girlfriends, or even you. She made me feel more special thanGod. Like I was the sun she orbited around. That kind of love is once in a lifetime, Phoenix. And I never thought I’d find it again, in any form.

“When I first reached out to Oli, I did it for you. I said, ‘Well, if anyone can make him happy again, it’d be Oli.’ I knew how much you missed him. I knew how devastated you were over breaking up with Eli. I wanted tohelp. I only ever want to help.”

“You could have just told me, though. We tell each other everything. Always have.”

I wince, knowing that’s not true. I never told him I drowned or am afraid of large bodies of water. I never told him that when my abuela died, I went to the pier and jumped off. “No one tells another person everything. Some secrets are meant just for yourself. I know that Oli wasn’t one of those secrets, but by the time I realized we should tell you, I was hooked. Full-blown addicted, Phoenix."

“And it’s not just because he needs me. Not anymore. When I’m with him, my mind is still. I’m not searching because I’vefound.”

“I get it.” He nudges his boot at the grass next to my short walkway. “It still hurts, though.”

“I never wanted to hurt you. Every time I had to lie, it felt like I was dying.”

“You’re exceptionally good at it. So good that I’m wondering what else you’ve lied to me about.”

“Nothing,” I rush out, inching closer. “I swear to God. Nothing.”

“How can I believe that?” His eyes flick to mine.

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