Page 54 of Ryder's War

Jerking back as if he’d been slapped, Peb stated cautiously, “I never said you were. Look, just let me check and make sure it’s okay. I can’tabandon my post without permission, and I can’t let an old lady leave unprotected, especially during a lockdown.”

Backing up a scant inch, she nodded. “Fine. Make it quick. I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

Heading for the bar, Peb pulled out his cell phone. The moment his back was turned, Tiffany bolted out the door. There was no way in hell Ryder would approve of her leaving the security of the clubhouse, not with Stuart or his cronies lurking around. The problem was, she couldn’t stand to be in the clubhouse one minute more. Her mind was screaming run, flee, get away, and think this thing through.

Sprinting to her SUV, she unlocked it and climbed behind the wheel. Feeling herself panic, Tiffany started the motor and headed for the back gate, which she suspected was the weak link in the chain. Sure enough, the new prospect allowed her through when she gave him the sob story about being sick. It felt shitty lying to the poor man, and she worried his bad decision would impede his quest to get patched, but she needed out more than she needed her next breath.

Driving to Ryder’s place, she tried to work out why she was so hot to get the hell out of the clubhouse. It definitely wasn’t because Ryder had slept with Alyssa. If she’d had her head screwedon straight, she’d have realized that by how casual and overly friendly they were with each other. She could see clear as day that they were former lovers that it made her wonder how she’d ever missed that simple fact. It explained a lot about how Ryder interacted with all the women there. Feeling her blood chill in her veins, she realized how much that actually bothered her.

This whole evening had been a total mindfuck. Learning that Ryder had gone out with a bunch of his club brothers to brawl with another club seemed reckless and unnecessary. Learning that this was not the first time they’d gone toe to toe with a rival club shouldn’t have come as the shock that it did. Maybe it was hearing they were capable of killing multiple people in a gigantic throw down that soured her mood. The killing was kind of a deal breaker for her, especially killing regularly and in numbers. How had she ever thought this was okay? She’d stupidly thought that the disagreement between Ryder and Ace had been some kind of one-off thing. It was becoming increasingly clear it was a lifestyle choice for these men.

All that was tough enough to swallow, but coming to the realization that he’d slept with all the women that she was now expected to be friends with was beyond the pale. Even thoughDarkness had purged out the women prone to stay drunk, as well as the more mouthy and abrasive ones, that still left a small number of Ryder’s former lovers for her to deal with on a regular basis.

Her phone rang shrilly, making her jump. She recognized the ringtone as the one Ryder selected for her. Taking a deep breath, she picked up her cell phone. Just holding the phone and knowing he was on the line sent goose bumps skittering across her skin. Thinking it over, she knew that she allowed her life to spiral out of control for too long. Slowly lowering it back to the passenger seat, she let it roll to voicemail.

Having barely scratched the surface of her feelings on tonight’s revelations, Tiffany hadn’t organized her thoughts enough to have a meaningful conversation with Ryder about anything. The last thing she wanted was to continue to present as the hapless victim or the bitch ruthlessly judging his personal choices while ignoring her own clusterfuck of a life. Unwilling to continue meekly accepting crumbs of affection from the random men she collided with while on the run, Tiffany knew she desperately needed to figure out what she really wanted out of life. It was better to put off the conversation until she engaged in intelligent discourse.

Her phone rang again a few minutes later, but it wasn’t Ryder’s ringtone. Snatching her phone from the seat again, she saw that it was Lily. She didn’t have the heart not to talk to the woman who’d been so nice to her.

Trying to keep the angst out of her voice, she answered. “Hello, Lily. Sorry I broke the lockdown rules.”

“Alyssa told me why you left. I’m sorry things are the way they are at the club. It’s a lot for a woman to deal with.”

“I honestly don’t know how to walk around the clubhouse knowing he’s been with all the women there, except you.”

Lily laughed nervously. “I’m his mother, and I don’t appreciate that he has loose morals any more than you do. Come back and let’s talk about this. Please.”

“It’s not just that piece. I’ve been doing a lot of introspecting about my ex. I’m not sure how fair it is to drag your son or his club brothers into that situation.”

“They’re experts at handling stuff like that,” Lily reasoned.

Tiffany sighed deeply. “I know, but they just finished dealing with this whole Darkness thing, and you said they’re trying to go straight. Itdoesn’t seem fair to keep dragging them back into the danger.”

“You sound like you’ve been wrestling with this on your own for a while. I wish that you had come to me.”

“You’ve been real nice to me. But I don’t want to burden everyone with my problems. I was already struggling, then hearing from Alysa that he’s slept with every woman at the clubhouse was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I should have thought this through a little better before I came here with your son.”

“You are preaching to the choir. Every old lady has to square herself with those very same issues.”

“How do you square yourself with all the violence and whoring?”

“I suppose that somewhere along the line, I learned to love the man but not what he does. I know that must make me seem simple in your eyes, but I have to trust that he’s doing the best he can in every situation, even if it means someone dies.”

“I know Ryder is a good man. I’m just having a hard time dealing with my life right now. I feel like I’ve been asleep at the wheel, and now I’ve suddenly woke.”

“He loves you. In fact, we all do. Please don’t ever forget that.”

“I love you all as well, especially Ryder. I just need some time to think things over.”

“Stay in touch,” Lily pleaded.

“I’ll call you soon,” Tiffany promised.

Hanging up before the woman could talk her into turning her vehicle around, Tiffany turned her phone off. A little voice in the back of her head mocked her for turning tail at the first bump in the proverbial road. Running was her default mechanism, and it was hard to do anything else when the chips were down.

Turning it all over in her head, she couldn’t seem to reconcile the sweet, protective person Ryder appeared to be with the monster out killing other human beings tonight. Then again, she didn’t really know if he’d killed anyone, so why was she judging him prematurely? The trouble was, with them being so tight-lipped about club business, she’d never be sure they weren’t out killing and maiming the innocent.

The moment the thought popped into her head, she chastised herself for thinking Ryder could possibly be a soulless killer. More than likely, he was just an ethical person with no compunction about crossing the line if a situationnecessitated something extreme. That put him in the category of a soldier of sorts in her mind.

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