Page 44 of Taking the Heat

With Chris’ words of comfort brewing inside me, I was struck by a thought:Why did I do it?I knew I would fall and I reached for that key anyway. Dante was part of it, of course; I didn’t want to sleep with him and if that key told me I didn’t have to, that would have been awesome.

But it was more than that. It wasn’t just about not having sex with Dante. It was about Chris. I reached for that key because he asked me to.

Looking at him, distraught on the end of my bed, after spending the night by my side, I realised something horrifying;I’m falling in love with Chris.

I can’t be falling in love, I’m not allowed to fall in love, that’s not why I’m here!My brain threw lots of logic at me, but the feeling remained. Then my conscience dropped the bomb:You don’t deserve to be in love. After Ella, you deserve nothing.

Tears rushed hot and fast to my eyes. I’d already tried asking Chris to stay away and it didn’t work. And I couldn’t stop myself around him. My brain was addled with feelings for him and my body was hopelessly his, even when I tried to avoid him. I knew what I had to do; I had to break whatever was between us, give him a reason not to love me back.

With my soul tearing, I forced myself to speak. ‘I could have been really hurt, Chris. You weren’t thinking about me, just yourself and the prize. I don’t know if I want to spend time around someone who cares more about the money than my safety.’

He looked up, tears illuminating his bright blue eyes in grief. ‘I don’t, I swear, Tara, please—’

‘I don’t want to see you right now.’ I turned away, unable to look at his stricken face. ‘Please go.’

‘Tara …’ The pain in that single word almost cracked my resolve. I concentrated on Ella’s face in my head, letting the guilt convince me I was doing the right thing.

I hardened my expression and clenched my fists. ‘Get out, Chris. Whatever this is between us, I’m done.’

He lifted off the bed, heavily, as if his sadness weighed him down. Pausing at the door, he said, ‘For the record, babe, the only prize I came here to win was you.’

I waited until I was sure he was gone, before turning to my pillow and falling apart in huge heavy sobs that made my chest ache and my head bump throb.

***

They kept me for another three days to observe me. I requested all the mind-numbing pain meds they allowed and did everything I could to avoid thinking about Chris and his last words to me.

I got back this morning. I haven’t seen anyone yet, but I’ll re-join the competition tomorrow.

(Producer, off camera:Tara, why does your sister mean you aren’t allowed to be in love? I’m sure Ella would want you to be happy.)

I don’t want to talk about it.

(But, surely—)

Idon’twant to talk about it. Move on.

(Okay, all right. So, you’ve missed a few days of competition and two dates as well.)

Who were the dates meant to be with?

(Chase, the American banker and Lars.)

That’s fine. I don’t care anymore. I just want to get through the next two weeks, go into that cabin, get my million and go home to my sister. That’s all.

***

Transcript of Tara M’s video diary: Day 11

Today started and I couldn’t have been less excited. Another date day, another random guy to deal with. I sat like a zombie in the makeup chair as Mama Ruby and her team worked their magic.

‘Girl! What are you lookin’ all down in the dumps for?’ she asked, straightening my hair into a glossy sheet. ‘You lookin’ fine, the sun is shinin’ and there’s a man on his way here now to take you out! Smile, why don’t you?’

I did as she asked, stretching my lips wide.

‘Argh! Forget I asked. Child, you look like the devil himself is sleeping in your bed.’

Reflecting on the inevitable end to this competition, I replied, ‘Maybe he will be.’

---