Page 38 of Pumped

I take a few steps away from our table then stop, caught between outrage that he thinks he has any claim over me and a strange warmth at the possibility that he cares enough to come looking for me. That maybe he’s sorry about what happened and wants to apologize. That maybe he’s actually a human being who feels shit.

It shocks me—scares me—how much I want that, how much it matters to me.

Then the lights flash again and the man moves out of the shadow. I catch a glimpse of his face and this imaginary scenario I’ve conjured up in my mind—one where Owen isn’t a robotic asshole—shatters into a million pieces.

It’s not Owen. It’s just someone who looks kind of like him.

But that’s almost worse. What does it mean that out of all the men in this club, the only one I have any interest in is an Owen look-alike? Whatever it means, it’s not good.

CHAPTER

FOURTEEN

OWEN

On the TV, Elsa’s singing about letting shit go and a part of me wishes I could do the same. Just drop everything and walk out the door like Everest did. Leave behind every responsibility, every burden, every person who wants something from me. I could go somewhere sunny and sit on the beach and read while drinking piña coladas. I wouldn’t have a care in the world.

Except I’d probably spend the whole time worrying about how everyone was doing back home. Would Ivy be okay living with my parents? Would my parents be overwhelmed with raising a little girl? Would my animal patients and human clients get the care they need? Would my colleagues be able to manage the additional workload?

I can’t shut my brain off the way Everest can. I can’t detach myself from the important people in my life. And honestly, I’d miss them too much.

I gaze down at Ivy. She’s fast asleep with her head on my thigh.

After I picked myself up from the floor, we made dinner together—chicken nuggets like I promised. With plenty ofhomemade ketchup. Then she wanted to watchFrozen, but she didn’t just watch it. No, she acted outFrozen, every single line, every single song lyric, dancing across the room while she was at it. After the first run-through, she wanted to do it again, so… we did it again.

She zonked out about twenty minutes ago and I’ve been sitting here re-watching Frozenagainby myself. I should carry her up to her room, but I can’t quite bring myself to move. My limbs feel heavy with fatigue. I barely have enough energy to keep my eyes open.

The movie ends. The credits roll. It’s past ten o’clock. Everest’s not home yet.

I’m still pissed at him. For not picking up Ivy this afternoon. For storming out on us. For making me do things and say things I would never normally do or say. For making me feel things I don’t want to feel.

It’s always been this way with him. Every time he steps into the room. Every time I hear his voice. Something inside me rears up and takes over. I turn into a different person whom I don’t have control over, a person who just reacts without thinking, without any sense.

No one provokes me the way he does. No one gets so under my skin that I have no choice but to lash out. What is it about him that my self-control vanishes whenever I’m around him? Why does he have such an outsized effect on me? How does he turn me into a mindless, vacuous fool?

Like today. I kissed him. Groped him. Ground myself against him. I would’ve done more. I wanted to do more. Strip him down, lick him from head to toe, and have him pound my ass until I’m nothing more than a quivering mass of flesh and bone.

Istillwant that.

I’vealwayswanted that.

Everest is wrong. I didn’t hate him the first time we met. In fact, I was hoping we would get along, that we could become friends. We were going to be brothers-in-law after all.

He had so many stories about his time on the West Coast, and whenever he spun his tales, everyone within his vicinity would hang off his every word. We laughed at all the right times, gasped in shock at all the right times, praised him at all the right times. He was the brightest person in the room, vibrating with an energy that was impossible to ignore. We were enthralled.

I’m not sure when or how that changed. I don’t remember any specific incidents that altered my perspective of him. All I know is by the time we went to Vegas for Jeremy’s bachelor party, the shine had worn off.

His voice was so loud, so in-your-face, it drowned out every other sound. He could be heard from across the house, from down the block. It grated on me so much, I could feel my nerves actually beginning to fray. And he didn’t have a mute button. Or a pause button. Or any volume control. Just yap, yap, yap, all the goddamn time, like he wasn’t able to breathe if he wasn’t talking.

He was so charismatic, so magnetic. Always the center of attention. Always commanded the room. Everyone was utterly charmed by him: my parents, relatives, neighbors, family friends. Even Jeremy thought he was the coolest guy ever and kept introducing him to people like they were best friends.

Did you know that Everest blah, blah blah. Everest is so funny and blah, blah blah. We’re so lucky that Everest could make it blah, blah blah.

One would’ve thought he cured cancer or solved climate change or invented flying cars. But he was just an unemployed hipster who couch surfed up and down the California coast. I seemed to be the only one who saw through his bullshit.

He wasn’t so impressive. What had he done with his life? What accolades did he have to his name? He didn’t contributeto society, didn’t think about anyone other than himself. He was nothing more than a pretty shell that was empty inside.

But I had to give him that. He was pretty. Like he’d somehow harnessed a piece of that West Coast sun and carried it around with him wherever he went. He shone. His hair was so sun-bleached back then, it was more blond than brown. His skin was tanned golden. He had that long swimmer’s body with wide shoulders and narrow hips. His hands were so big. And he had a way of smiling at a person that made them feel like they were the only one in the entire room.

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