Page 78 of Stone

Bending my neck, I touched my mouth to hers, lingering for a few seconds and reveling in her softness, needing to breathe her in one last time. Eventually, I released her and turned for the truck, where Dad waited patiently. Climbing inside, I took one last look at my girl with her chin tilted defiantly, and pride filled my chest at the sight of her standing so strong.

Then, I raised a finger to my temple and gave her a loose salute, burning the image of her into my soul one last time as Dad drove away.

Chapter Twenty

John ~ January

Duchess,

I got back to base okay, baby. No delays or hold-ups, thank God.

Leaving you this time took me to my knees. Seeing you standing there in the rearview brought a lump to my throat that I’m still trying to swallow down, and it’s suffocating me.

Walking away left a hole in my chest that won’t be filled until I get to hold you in my arms again.

Some nights, I lay in bed, and it’s like I can sense you all around me. It’s beautiful torture because I love the thought of you somehow being with me in spirit, but when I reach for you, you’re not there. That’s when I wonder if it’s all worth it. I love what I do, and I love my job, but I love you more, so I ask myself why I’m here, instead of by your side where I belong.

The boys call it a crisis of confidence, but I’m not stressing about anything to do with work. It’s all you, Leesy. I worry I’m putting too muchonyou and expecting too muchfromyou. Christ, you’re eighteen years old, in college, and with the world at your feet. You should be enjoying these years, going to parties, letting loose, and finding your way in life. Instead, you’re there, alone, waiting for my ass while I get all this bullshit out of my system.

I know what it does to you, especially after I left last week, because, for the first time, I felt it, too. After everything we shared and knowing everything we are, it ripped me apart to walk away. The knowledge that I do that to you on the regular makes my gut churn, Leesy, because I know I’m hurting you, and until I go back for good, I can’t stop.

Maybe I’m a selfish fuck who doesn’t appreciate what I have, and the right thing to do would be to let you go, but the thought of you not being mine makes me ache in ways I can’t describe.

Rock, meet hard place, baby. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

I know I sound like a morbid fuck, but really, I’m okay. All my emotions get channeled into my work here, so there’s already talk of putting me up for Lance Corporal. I know it’s soon, and I haven’t been a PFC for long, but they’re desperate to get me onto the training program. They call it a Meritorious Promotion, where my shooting skills can bump me up quicker. Though my sergeant seems to make up his own rules anyway, it’s probably why they call him ‘Wildcard.’

The man’s like a machine, Leesy. I don’t want to sound like a dick, but I haven’t come across many who have better-shooting instincts than me—I’ve had a gun glued to my hand since I was a kid—but he’s something else. I think I can learn a lot from him. His intuition is crazy-good, and I don’t mean weapons as much as his environment. It’s like he can tune in to everything around him: the air, the grass, the trees. He can sense when something’s off and make adjustments without a moment’s hesitation. It’s cool to see him in action.

Anyway, I guess I’d better sign off. Spence and I start two weeks of dang guard duty tomorrow, so I won’t be able to write as much, but I know I’m thinking of you, baby, every minute of every day.

Take care and write soon.

Love,

Stone.

Elise ~ April

John,

I miss you so much. Your last letter took a while to get to me, just over three weeks in fact. Our military is brave and courageous, and I’m grateful for all you do, but I wish they’d get their mail department straight. Can you imagine not hearing from you for all that time? It was like medieval torture, though I think I’d prefer the Iron Maiden to not getting your letters.

When I read your words, I cried so hard that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stop. Sometimes, the beautiful things you say and write are so exquisite they take my breath away. Imagine a girl like me being loved so hard by a boy like you.

It’s everything, John.

You’re everything.

I admit, it does hurt when you leave, but what makes it bearable is that I know you’ll be back. We talk on the phone, and we write. I can do this separation because I know that one day, God will reward me. The prize will be so sweet thatit’ll take away the ache I feel because you’re not with me, so please stop talking about letting me go. The thought of us being nothing cuts me far deeper than you having to leave me. Knowing we belong to each other is my motivation to keep going. If you took that from me, I would wither away and die. You’re in my heart, John. It wouldn’t beat without you.

Your sergeant sounds like a real character. I love how you describe his instincts and yours. It helps me understand why you need this so much. There’s something inside you that craves the life you’re living. Maybe it was born with you, and it’s as much of a part of you as your blood and bones. I don’t begrudge you that, John. I want you to dream as big and bright as the sun. I’ll be the Earth that’s tethered to you, and I’ll keep taking all the warmth you give me. For now, your letters are my warmth. In the years to come, the warmth will also come from our wedding, and then our children and building a home, but through all that, it’ll always be you.

That’s why you can’t be all noble and think you’re doing the right thing by ending things. It wouldn’t be noble to take my warmth away. You wouldn’t be doing the right thing by depriving me of my sunlight, of you.

Is this hard? Yes.

Does it hurt? Yes.

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