Page 10 of Beginnings

Chapter 3

Connor

“Fuck!”I roared at the top of my voice and hit the steering wheel with the heel of my hand. My heart still raced, Ember’s taste lingering on my tongue. Kissing her had rocked my fucking world, but it didn’t change the fact that I shouldn’t have done it. Everything about her called to me, and in the confined space of my car, I didn’t possess the strength to turn away; those pretty pink lips stole my self-control. Something about Ember had always drawn me in, and for years I resisted the temptation to pursue her. Today I just snapped. I succumbed to the red-hot rush of need that hit me. I hadn’t even thought about reining in myself or my wolf. He snarled inside me, urging me to go back and take what was ours. “Settle down,” I muttered, pushing my foot down on the accelerator in response.

I dreamed of Ember almost every night, and it had been worse when I lived under the same roof. At first my feelings had been protective, but by the time I hit my Primis, I’d had to leave. It was a game of self-control I knew I’d lose while learning to control the predator in my veins. She’d been too young then, and so had I. I swallowed. She wasn’t now.

After what had happened in the training room a few weeks ago, I’d avoided Em, though my wolf had made it perfectly clear she was ours; our mate. He had tried to get to her that day. Her wildness and defiance had called to us both, and seeing her spirit and sensing her strength, when I had denied myself being anywhere near her for months, had snapped something in me. If Rawson hadn’t been there, I couldn’t in all honesty say I would have held back.

I’d had lovers, plenty of them, but no other woman had ever affected me the way Ember always had, and still did. Jesus! My need for her had become a painful ache in my soul. Perhaps it would be better for both of us if I distanced myself completely—just until my life was more…stable. There was something happening in the SBI that even I didn’t understand and now was not a good time to tie my life to someone—not if I could be sent into a situation that might put my life—and hers—at risk. I wouldn’t endanger Ember, ever. I ground my teeth. I’d always do what it took to keep her safe, and if that meant leaving, freeing her of my presence, then that’s what I'd do.

I exhaled, my stomach churning. That woman had my heart in a vice, yet had no idea of the power she held over me.

The indicator clicked as I flicked it on. Turning the wheel I pulled onto the main drive up to the SBI headquarters. A huge metal gate blocked my way. I lowered my window and pulled up at the retinal scanner. The guard remained in his hut but I knew his weapon would be trained right at my head. Doppelgängers were rare, but the bureau was always vigilant, and SBI security was the best in the world. These guards would shoot first and ask questions later if they perceived any threat.

The scanner eased silently forward and I placed my face into the wrap around device. It was cold on my skin, but the bright light it used no longer bothered me. It beeped and slid smoothly away. Next was my hand. I placed it against the glass pad, waiting patiently while cold metal bands clicked into place, holding me immobile. I readied myself. Blood couldn’t be forged, not when you didn’t know where on your hand it was going to be taken from. This time it was the base of my thumb. I hissed at the sting. The next moment a soothing coolness negated the discomfort. A green light flickered up on the screen.

“Welcome, Agent Maxwell,” said a female voice.

The bands released with a snap.

I pulled my arm in and waited. While my identity was verified, scanners had risen from the ground around my car. They finished their inspection and sank back into the tarmac.

“You may proceed,” the disembodied voice told me.

I flicked the switch to bring the window up. It closed as the gates opened. I wasn’t fooled though, I knew there were bollards underground all along the driveway that could shoot up at a moment’s notice and prevent any moving object from getting further. I drove forward steadily.

In the corner of my eye, a dark shadow moved. It was a habit to scan the surrounding area for anything unusual. My instincts were not easily ignored, nor were my mission experiences from the past four years. I noted the position of all the guards just as I did everyday. I knew their formations, their shift times and what weapons they normally carried, and looked for anything unusual. Perhaps I wasn’t supposed to know, but I’d put away some powerful people over the years and they, in turn, had powerful allies. Friends could turn on you at the drop of a hat. I swallowed and shook my head. I knew that all too well.

I drove towards the figure of a woman dressed in an agency issued uniform. Cold spread through my insides, my heart rate speeding up. She shouldn’t be here! She turned and watched me drive by. Her shoulder length blonde hair shone, and her dead eyes followed me, accusation in their depths.

No! She isn’t real! She isn’t here!Shit!

Breath hissed from between my clenched teeth. I fought to control my heart rate even as sweat slicked my palms. Damn it! I’d triggered myself again. Unwilling to let my past get the upper hand, I stamped on the breaks, pulled the car over to the verge and concentrated on controlling my breathing.

I’d started to suffer from post traumatic stress six months ago when Ava, my sometimes lover, had stopped me from killing the man she truly loved—by throwing herself into the path of my bullet. Rawson and my men knew what had happened, so did Doherty; Ava was his oldest daughter after all, but no one outside that loop knew. I’d been sent for counselling and taken off field work. I was getting better at controlling my flashbacks; enough so that I’d been reinstated for active duty, but being near Ember shot my emotions to shit.

I closed my eyes and took a deliberate and slow breath then exhaled equally as slowly.

Ava’s face and voice were vivid in my mind.

“You're fighting for the wrong side, Connor. Please, don’t do this.” I needed to let this bit of the scene play out, so I gripped the steering wheel. Goosebumps rose on my arms, and bile burned my throat. I knew what was coming, but was helpless to stop it. Nightmares you could learn to manage and control; memories, not so much. They were real, living things, and though some faded, I knew this one never would. In my mind, I held the gun out straight, pointing it at the chest of the man who had been my partner and my friend for years. Lance glared at me, hatred and disgust on his damaged face. My orders were to hunt him down and kill him—and I had.

My stomach threatened to expel its contents as the memory continued.

“You are working for the wrong side. If you do this, you side with them,” Lance said.

“Don’t do it, Connor. Please.”

I looked at Ava’s devastated face. “He’s a traitor. He has betrayed everything we stand for. He’s working with the fae for god's sake! To harm your father!”

I couldn’t comprehend why she wanted to be with a man who had just tried to kill her father, not then and not now.

My past self squeezed the trigger just as Ava jumped in front of Lance, but it was too late. The gunshot resounded in my head, blocking out all coherent thought. My palms were slick with sweat and slipped off the steering wheel. I was barely aware as I struggled to breathe, a cold sweat breaking out over my body. My fault! It was my fault! A vice gripped my throat. Inside me my wolf howled, scratching at my insides wanting to be free, to soothe my troubled mind and aching heart. His distress was the only thing that pulled me out of my flashback. I focused on his darkness, on his strength, and got a waft of Ember’s unique sweet and slightly smoky scent. It grounded me and I absorbed every bit of it, allowing it to calm my heart rate.

My eyes opened, I shook my hands out, ridding myself of the pins and needles that had come on with my rapid breathing. A few moments later, I started the car and drove onward towards the massive mansion house that was the UK’s SBI headquarters.

My thoughts drifted to Ember. Leaving her alone like that was a piss poor way to handle what had happened. I just hadn’t been prepared for her wolf to try and bond with mine like that. Merging spirits was something I’d only ever read about. No one in my circle of friends, or agency colleagues, had ever mentioned being that perfect a match with their mates. Had I accepted her wolf spirit right then, there would have been no stopping what happened next.

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