Page 15 of Beginnings

I stretched my fingers then curled them into fists. In and out, then I shook my hands, willing the tremors and throbbing in my fingertips to disappear. It had proved harder to command my wolf to return to my human body than it had been to free her. Despite my frozen fingers and toes, my skin was on fire and my bones ached.

“It’ll get easier, you know,” Lyss said. It wasn’t a question, more a soft reassurance.

I smiled and nodded, not sure if I was trying to convince her or me that I agreed. Last night, my wolf ran free for at least two hours, enjoying the thrill of chasing rabbits through the fields and revelling in the energy of the moon. Even my sadness over Connor was quenched for a while—until my wolf decided she needed some fun of a different kind. I realised her intent and tried to stop her, but it was no use, she didn’t listen, even when I screamed from inside her.

In the shadows, she prowled around the fencing of Connor’s modest home, but he was nothing if not security conscious. Her determination to get inside, nearer to the faint scent she recognised as her chosen mate, left a hole in my heart. Hours later, no matter how much I pleaded with her to stop, she shimmied on her belly, under the fencing and through the hollow she dug in the soil. It didn’t matter that I reminded her he disappeared months ago, when she saw that Connor’s house was dark and empty, she howled and howled and refused to leave.

I blinked tears from my eyes. I had cried so much since the SBI informed us that Connor had disappeared on assignment and was presumed dead. After our kiss, I longed to see him again. My head was certain that he wouldn’t want me, that he would break me if I let him in, but my heart didn’t care. With every day that passed, I’d still hoped he’d return and tell me he wanted me as much as our wolves wanted each other—until the day we knew he was gone and all our lives changed...

Lyss hissed and took hold of one of my hands. “Oh my god! What did she do?”

I stared in a detached fashion at my broken and bleeding nails. Until me and my wolf were used to shifting and fully in sync, it would take a few hours; but they would still heal. Not so much my heart.

“Oh, sweetie.” Lyss’s voice was soft. “She tried to find Connor, didn’t she?”

I nodded, unable to stop the sob that shook its way free of my chest.

“I thought...I mean, I guessed a long time ago you were going to be something special to each other, but I didn’t know your wolf…” her voice petered out. “...that your wolves were possible mates.”

I’d never told her about what had happened between me and Connor, or how my wolf had tried to bond with his. It had seemed private at the time and now there was no point. “It’s okay, Lyss, she’s just having a hard time accepting he’s gone.” I forced the words out, my voice thick with emotion. My limbs shook and all I wanted was to curl into a ball and sleep. At least then the pain would go away for a while.

Lyss sighed. “Yeah, she’s not the only one. Come on, let’s get you inside. Then you can eat and go to bed for a few hours.”

The November morning was frozen, the world sparkling with a glittering beauty I couldn’t appreciate. I wrapped my arms around myself for warmth, my mind full of Connor. Lyss put her arm around my shoulders, and started guiding me through the back garden to the kitchen. We were about half way across the lawn when the back door burst open. We both hesitated and gaped at Rawson. He spent most of his time at the bureau now—or elsewhere. Neither of us knew where he was most of the time. He never told us, and we’d given up asking. He only came home once a week, if that, some weeks, and even then he was distant.

Lyss looked him up and down, her eyes flashing. He was a mess. He’d lost weight and obviously hadn’t shaved for days. His hair was longer and unkempt, looking like he’d run his hand through it for hours. Even though we’d both agreed Connor’s disappearance, or death, or whatever the bureau wanted to call it, was suspicious, I didn’t know why Rawson was so obsessed by it to the point he’d neglect Lyss. But there was definitely something eating away at him. I narrowed my eyes. After last night, being included in whatever he was doing to uncover what happened to Connor was top of my list. I’d make Rawson tell me why he’d lost his shit. If Connor was dead, then both me and my wolf needed to know so that we could accept it, even if I would never really move on. I curled my bleeding fingers into fists, hissing at the fresh wave of pain.

Rawson strode to meet us, his gaze flicking warily from Lyss to me and back again.

It was impossible to miss the anger emanating from Lyss, even though she watched him carefully. My heart broke for them; they’d been so happy before Connor had died.

Rawson didn’t meet Lyss’s glare. Instead, he stopped a foot from us, staring down at the patio as if trying to find the right words to say. For an awkward moment we all stood in silence.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” Rawson raised his head and looked at me.

I believed him, I really did, but it didn’t matter. There was a gaping hole in my heart. All my emotions had poured from me last night, and now I was hollow, just like I’d been when the fire took my parents. I’d wanted to find Connor as much as my wolf, but his disappearance had also destroyed the people I cared about most. I swallowed hard. I was withdrawing from them, but that realisation didn’t frighten me as much as it should have. Distancing myself seemed easier than waiting for their inevitable break up. I was realistic enough to know that either one of them—or both—could ask me to leave. I was an extra burden that they didn’t need, and I was old enough to fend for myself now. My emergency bag was already packed; money, clothes, weapons, even a fucking photo of the three of them; they were more my family than my parents, who were just a faded memory now. I could leave at a moment's notice. My heart stuttered. I always assumed I would be okay with running when the time came. Only now I realised I didn’t want to leave any of them.

“Why?” Lyss snapped at Rawson, her fingers digging into my skin. It wasn’t worth pointing it out, not when I understood that her heart was hurting far worse than the physical pain she was inflicting on me. Yes, she’d lost Connor, but she’d also lost the man she loved even though he was standing in front of her. The worst of it was, neither of us knew why Rawson was so determined to discover what had happened, and he wouldn’t elaborate; he just told us it was safer for us if we didn’t know.

“I should have been here. I, well, Ember’s my responsibility, too. It was her Primis and I missed it...I’m sorry…” he said, shoving his hands through his hair again.

“It’s fine.” Seeing them argue was worse than my aching bones, damaged skin or even the constant emptiness that dragged at me. They were alive and real—and my family. It was awful to see them in such pain.

“I meant why weren’t you here? Not why are you sorry, you shit.” Lyss’s eyes flashed, her fingers releasing me.

Rawson’s spine straightened at the challenge in her tone.

I swallowed hard, recognising that reaction. The contempt in his mate’s voice called to him, commanding he respond...as an alpha, not some down and out excuse for the man he had become.

Rawson turned to me, his grey eyes now deep brown and stormy as his bear surfaced. “Em, go inside. Grab something to eat and get some rest. I’ll be here when you get up.” Fixing his attention back on Lyss, his voice growled up from his chest. “Right now. There’s something I need to do.”

Lyss went to walk past him but Rawson was having none of that. He grabbed her wrist. She slapped him with her free hand; a resounding slap that rang in the air. Electricity, lust and so many other emotions thickened the air between them. Time for me to go.

I held the sides of my robe together and hurried into the house, my freezing bare feet slapping on the stone path. I turned, but hesitated to close the door. Rawson had speared one hand into Lyss’ tumbling blond hair and held her with the flat of his other hand in the curve of her lower back. His pelvis pushed against hers and he leaned close to her ear. His lips moved and though I couldn’t hear his words, even with my shifter hearing, I could see the desperation in his face. Lyss pushed against his chest and shook her head. Rawson’s expression darkened and his lips moved again.

Lyss hissed something up at him. Maybe I couldn’t hear, but when he tilted his head, I could read Rawson’s reply on his lips.

Because I love you. More than anything in this world.

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