Page 35 of Tough Love

“It’s, alright, Howard. Whenever you’re ready.” I glance up and his jaw feathers as he leans forward. “Maybe?—”

“No, it’s fine. I want you to know... It was my fault.”

He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t dismiss the way I feel or the way I remember that day. Not like my parents did.

“Her name was Jewel. Jewel of the Nile. She was a half-Arabian, half-warmblood show jumper. We were at the qualifiers. I was last to ride. Our round determined who went through to the Olympics.”

Hudson swallows, his face still soft.

“We had cleared the first lot of jumps and just gone over the hedge when I felt something wasn’t right.” My chin wobbles as I pull in a breath. His hand appears on my lap, upturned, like a lifeline if I need one. I inch my fingers closer, letting the tips find his. His hands are warm, so warm. Tears burn behind my eyes.

“She was off, and I pushed her. I had no idea what had happened at that stage. But we went for the next jump. And she seemed okay... but when we took on the triple, she crashed headfirst into it. I remember the way she looked at me. As if—” Tears stream down my face and Hudson shifts in his seat until his knees are on either side of mine. He takes my hands in his, and I have to keep going. If I stop, I don’t think I could say it all again. “She was scared, confused. She was dying, and I had no idea.”

“Addy.” His voice is raw. His thumbs rub over the backs of my hands.

“There was a taipan in the hedge that we’d jumped over. And after twenty other horses and riders, it was very much riled up. It bit her on the flank, and she was gone minutes later.”

I choke through a sob.

Hudson pulls me into his lap and cradles my head, and I sob into his chest, hard. “It was all my fault. She tried to tell me, and I was so caught up in making a good time, I didn’t listen. I didn’t listen, Hudson, and she died. Afraid and helpless.”

“Addy, I’m so sorry.”

My lungs impossibly tight, I sob in his hold. When I have finally recovered from my grief and removed myself from his lap, I clear my throat and reinstate myself in my place on the opposite side of the table.

“You said you had to learn to walk again?”

“My foot got hung up when she went down, and I was crushed underneath her. Both of my hips were shattered. The surgeon did a great job, but it took so long and multipleprocedures that the muscles in my hips, abdomen, and legs had atrophied too much. So off to physical therapy I went, to walk between the bars. That part, at least, wasn’t too bad. I mean, it was painful and frustrating. But nothing like losing Jewls. We were together for five years. The day we met... She changed my life.” Tears burn again, but I dab my face with a napkin, taking in the cozy little restaurant. And for the first time since the accident, I feel as if the weight I have carried since that day is almost gone. I don’t think Hudson will ever know how much of an impact he has had on me.

The waitress appears with two oversized bowls of steaming spaghetti Bolognese, bruschetta and water.

“This smells amazing,” I say. But when I look up, Hudson’s face is slack, his eyes narrowed, his breath short.

“It’s okay, Rawlins; I’ll live.” I force a smile, and he swallows before breaking eye contact.

I twirl my fork in my spaghetti and shove the steaming pasta into my mouth. It’s epic. God, this is divine. After a while, Hudson picks up his fork, but instead of diving right into his food, he shunts it around on his plate.

“Eat, Hudson, I can’t have you hangry on top of grumpy.” I scrunch my nose up at him, and he huffs a laugh and twirls his fork.

We finish the meal, and Hudson grabs the check. We wander back to the clinic on the opposite side of the street so I can check out some more shops. We pass a florist, and Hudson ducks inside. I hang around outside the next shop, a little gift shop, and peek at the handmade gifts. Mom would love some of these neat little spice jars and bundles of dried herbs. I make a mental note for later.

Bright yellow daisies are shoved under my nose, and I step back and chuckle. “I think you giving me flowers might breach the rider-coach agreement we have, Rawlins.”

“Since this was Ma’s idea, I’ll send her the bill. Then they’re from her, not me. Problem solved.” He hands me the flowers again. I grab them, covering his hand. And he closes the space between us.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Howard. And for the record, taipans are always fatal. There wasn’t anything you could have done. Itwasn’tyour fault, Addy.”

I close my eyes and let his words sink in. It will take a while for me to believe that. I know he is right, logically. I’m a vet, for goodness’s sake. But I will always carry the loss of Jewls with me. Especially when I’m on a horse. Something brushes my cheek and I open my eyes to find Hudson sweeping a stray curl of hair behind my ear. My heart thunders against its cage.

“Come on, I better get you back before Justin has a conniption,” he mutters.

I nod and he releases the flowers, taking his hand out from under mine. It takes me a moment to follow him down the street, spice jars and bundles of whatever long forgotten.

Hudson holds the clinic door open for me and tips his hat in a goodbye. Justin calls out as he goes to close the door, “Here to check up on your empire, Rawlins?”

“Justin,” Hudson grunts and waves to me, letting the door close behind him. I turn back, daisies in hand. Justin grunts and grabs a pile of charts from the reception desk before slinking back to his treatment room. Ugh. That guy is starting to give me the creeps. Sally gives me a knowing smile. “There was a call for you when you were out. Someone called Ruby?”

“Oh shit. Yeah, I’ll text her back. Thanks, Sally.”

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