Page 131 of Heart & Hope

Until Louisa and Harry.

I’ve always had Addy; she’s my sister in so many ways my biological siblings never will be. But the Rawlinses, that was the first time I felt cherished and loved. Spending my days with Louisa was like finally having that unconditional love only a mother can give.

My days with Reed.

Nothing else compares.

I doubt anything ever will. And not one of the days in Montana had a single thing to do with my rules. I lay on the floor and stare up at the ceiling. It’s time to rewrite the rules. Course correction is required.

A new heading for this captain.

I smile, stupidly happy, as tears flood the floor under my neck. This captain needs her first mate. Our ship and whatever comes with that will be enough.

The old Ruby would be fighting this way of thinking. The old Ruby would insist on sticking to progress and achievements, to drive forward and carve a place for herself in the big world with a plethora of plans and checklists. The old Ruby was a miserable bitch. No way in hell am I going to end up like Olive.

I peel myself from the floor and rush to the bags I left by the front door. Snatching up the laptop bag, I rip my MacBook out and flip open the screen as I slump into the sofa.

Reinvention.

A new plan . . . new rules.

That is what I want. Ones that revolve around the heart of my ten-year-old mindset, a happy home with people who love me unconditionally. I open a fresh tab and type “google” into the URL bar. The blank search engine glares back, its endless potential and infinite possibilities cracked wide.

I click the Notes icon, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

Six rules are too many.

Too much restraint, and that’s what landed me in this position to begin with.

Three. Three is a good number of rules for any girl to have. Nobody likes a control freak. Just enough for some direction, so I don’t end up lost.

I let my eyes fall shut and my mind wander.

What do I want?

What do I really want . . .

First, tobelong.

What do I need?

That feeling I had in Louisa’s kitchen. In Reed’s home.

Unconditional love, so I am free to live and grow without fear of failing the people I cherish.

What can’t I live without?

That one’s easy.

Reed James Rawlins.

Everything else—the career, the plans, and the status—is superfluous now. But I do need some way to spend my days and fill my soul. To fuel my independence.

Louisa’s party flashes through my mind. The happy faces. The way Lou’s face lit up when Harry led her outside to her family and friends. The close-knit community of people who know each other so well and have been through thick and thin.

I want that. I need that.

To be able to create those moments for other families, that would be priceless.

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