Page 26 of Heart & Hope

“Do you like it, hon?” Ma asks.

I turn back to find her hands clasped in front of her chest. Eyes filled with hope and love.

I close the distance and hug her tight. That’s all the mettle I need.

“I love it, Ma. Thank you.”

“Oh, your brother brought your horses over. And Pa has a surprise in the barn.”

I chuckle and lead her down the stairs. Mack is stocking the fireplace full of wood, with extra in the iron cradle beside it. “Now you’re all set, bro.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Sure, I’ll take a beer as payment later.”

“Boys, come outside.” Ma is waving at us from the front porch.

We wander into the small front yard flanked by trees, and Addy stands by Hudson, Charlie between them.

“Hey, Adds.”

She pecks a kiss to my cheek.

Hudson nods to the barn by the stables. “Magnet’s in the barn with two other horses. Tack’s put away. All that’s left to do is find Pa, he wants to show you some of the pastures. Oh, and the thing in the barn.”

We make our way over, and when everyone hangs back, I step inside with a knot in my gut. I find Pa standing by a tractor. A brand-new, shiny red tractor.

“Holy shit, Harry!”

“Language, son. But you’re welcome. You’re gonna need it. Lot of improvements to make around this old place.”

A huge Case IH tractor, an 8.7L Power Drive Magnum. I run a hand over the red hood of the engine as he opens the door and climbs in. He starts her up, and she rumbles to life. Lower and with more heart than my truck. The sound reverberates through my entire body. Pretty sure it lights up my soul.

Pa jumps down from the tractor and claps a hand on my shoulder. “Take her for a spin.”

“Geez, it’s too much, Harry.”

When his gaze levels mine, my old man simply nods and says, “It’s just the right amount. Now hop in, I’ll ride rumble, you can drive, we’ll talk numbers and plans.”

And like that, my elation fizzles to nothing.

Expectations are nothing new with my old man. We head to the western fields first, and Harry runs down the list of improvements he wants done in the first twelve months.

Should have known. Still a lackey in his eyes.

“We want the first round up to bring in enough to cover the first lot of installments before we start stacking it against the assets and turning a profit, so every day counts from here on in.”

With every word that comes from his mouth, my gut sinks further and further. Not even the hum of the tractor that turns on a dime with the slightest motion of my hand drowns out the sinking feeling that is growing, suffocating, slowly asphyxiating me. The weight of needing to be something I’m not crushes the air from my lungs.

I can’t do this.

Knuckles turned white on the wheel, I swing the tractor round and head for the barn. When Harry talks away minutes later, his words are only just audible over the roaring in my ears. My head is fuzzy. My gut a sea ravaged by the darkest storm.

I cannot do this.

I cannot let everyone down.

Not Ma.

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