Page 62 of Hard to Judge

My flipping heart deflates, zipping about my chest.

I scoot close, aligning my large body with Hota’s. Heat rolls off him in waves. I soak it in even though the room isn’t freezing. I watch the slow rise and fall of his bare chest. The covers cling to his hip. His hair and arm block much of his face. The sliver of lidded eye and cheek I see is enough to fuel anyone’s fantasies for weeks on end.

The bathroom door whispers open. Hailey sneaks out, wearing a sweatshirt. Its sleeves are rolled up several times to reveal her hands. The length makes her inked legs look indecently delicious.

I track her movements, wanting to share her for breakfast.

She coyly ignores my eyes, save for the kiss she blows me before slipping out of the room and closing the door behind her.

When she packed breakfast items into our bags yesterday to come here, I’d told her she was overestimating the situation. Maybe I’m underestimating it. Maybe Hota is too.

I slip my arm under his head, another around his back, and pull him to my chest. My leg coils over his. The hair on his legs brushes mine, causing a shiver to roll through me. He feels so different in my arms than Hailey. No better. No worse. Just as perfect. But different.

Holding Hailey is like holding possibilities in my arms. With her, the possibilities are endless, joyous and hopeful.

Holding Hotaru is like holding a wild animal. An animal with the ability to maim me. An animal who’s only ever protected me. An animal I want to see all those endless possibilities with me.

After I’ve hurt him so very badly.

I move his arm to my waist to see his face. I spent night after night mapping these contours with my eyes at Willoughby Ridge. They’re sharper now. Thicker and more defined.

My fingers lift to his brow. I study every dip and ridge, angle, and contour from the pride of his nose to the swell of his lips, feeding my suddenly insatiable need to touch him.

As the sun slowly rises, his eyes flutter.

When they fully open, my thumb skims his cheekbone. The dark pools of his gaze pull me in, flip me all around in a desperate study, then shut me out.

His jaw jerks out of my hold, and he shoves against my chest, creating space between us. A chasm really.

“Hota?” I plead for him, reaching out.

His jaw flexes, and his head shakes. His eyes, though, they stay on me. It’s not much, but it’s enough.

“I’m ready to give you what you need—what I need—to move forward.” I sit up, and he does too. We’re squared off like enemies, and I can’t stand it. I have to do this, own this moment before it’s gone. “Top me. Today. Tomorrow. Every day. I want you to be mine in every way. If that’s what it takes, I’ll give it.”

Even as I say the words, I hope I can follow through with them. Doubt clouds my mind, blurring hope. I want him to top me. I just don’t know if my mind and body will allow it yet.

He tears the sheets from his body and shoots from the bed. His chest heaves as though he can’t get a full breath despite the hefty lung function. Without a word, he heads for the bathroom and slams the door so hard, it shakes the walls and rings in my ears.

My fucking chest caves in on itself. Air refuses to move in or out of my lungs. It’s like he can sense my fear.

I wonder if this is how Hota felt having to watch me leave the room and walk into my uncle’s clutches.

Helpless. Dying inside.

Only, I’m not helpless. I’m not dying.

I’m just starting to live the life I want. The life I deserve. The life Hailey and Hotaru deserve too.

I shuck the covers from my legs, stand, and head for the bathroom door.

When I get halfway there, the bedroom door opens, and Hailey stumbles inside. Her eyes are wide and searching. She finds me in a split second and then sees the closed bathroom door. Then she alights on my trajectory.

Her hand comes up slowly, pleading for me to stop.

I do, reluctantly.

She rushes to me, tossing a dish towel onto the foot of the bed as she nears. Her forehead meets my chest, and her arms wrap around my middle. She doesn’t ask what happened, just gives me her support.

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