Page 64 of Souls and Sorrows

It’s the reason I knew I would be able to trust him with all of this in the first place. When he leaves here, he probably will try to forget everything, if only because he doesn’t want the extra emotional complications.

“I don’t want her to have it. Cash is interested, and I don’t care if the entire underground world goes bankrupt or gets outed to the government, so long as it means my mother no longer has anything.”

19

Mamma’s handswere always cold. Like she wasn’t human, but instead a creature from some other world who didn’t understand how to process mortal emotions, and therefore couldn’t help what she did to me.

That explanation made things bearable. I could pass off the feel of her between my legs and her fist against the back of my head as her not knowing any better.

The emotional abuse—the insults, the gaslighting, the obsessive control—was harder to write off though. It cut deeper than her nails ever could, slicing open parts of my soul that would never heal. She made sure each incision was jagged, shaped perfectly so it would scar and leave me in pieces for the rest of eternity.

I know my sisters got some of it, but I think I must have been an easier target.

I was desperate. A little girl who just wanted her mom, no matter what she had to endure to have her.

Even now, I can feel her wrapping her hands around my neck and pushing me down. The pressure is intense, splitting my focus as I claw at her, trying to break free. I can’t breathe, and my vision is swimming away fast—though not fast enough.

The image of her crouched over me, dark hair askew and eyes wild, feral, burns itself into my retinas.

When I was younger, I didn’t know how to fight back. Didn’t know I could.

Now, I kick, and thrash, and scream until the phantom releases her grip on me, cursing as she throws herself aside.

Sucking in a gasp, my hands fly to my throat as my eyes pop open, staring into the darkened room. A single sliver of moonlight peeks through the small gap in the curtains, but other than that, it’s silent and still.

My stomach twists into knots, the fear from before still coursing through me, setting me on edge. Every muscle, every nerve ending, feels fraught with ire, and the energy dances its way through my body, uncertain of where to go now that I’m awake.

Cash lays on his side, breathing evenly. I watch his shoulder rise and fall with each passing second, finding myself mesmerized by the motion. Pushing myself into a sitting position, I pull my knees to my chest beneath the comforter and just study him, letting the tranquility of his rest bring me back to some sort of safe harbor.

I lean in, trying to pick up on the woodsy soap he uses before bed, remembering his warning about not waking him in the middle of the night. Keeping my distance nose a few inches away from his neck, I inhale deeply, soaking in the grounding scent.

All my life, chaos was the single constant variable outside of dancing. It’s kind of nice having someone around who exudes calmness, even if it’s mostly when he’s unconscious.

Even if he’s temporary.

A bead of sweat leftover from the nightmare rolls down my cheek, slipping from my chin and landing on his elbow. In an instant, a growl rips through the air, and Cash is flipping over, shoving me back against the mattress, and pinning my hands beside my head.

He sighs as he blinks sleep from his eyes. “Goddamnit, Ariana. What did I tell you?”

My fingers are clammy, still clinging to the effects of the dream, even as his warmth begins seeping in and distracting me. “I didn’t mean to. I was having a nightmare, and—”

“A nightmare?” He’s quiet for a few moments, our breaths mingling. “Are you… okay now?”

“I’d probably be better if you weren’t actively still trying to restrain me.”

Scowling, he moves more firmly on top of me, pressing his pelvis into my groin, but just barely. Just enough that I feel the loss when he scales back. “Can’t take any chances with you.”

My chest heaves as I roll my lower half, squirming to give us a tighter fit. The fabric of his boxers pushes at the silk of my sleep shorts, making them ride high until I can feel air between my thighs.

“What happened to Fiero and Cosetta Tallerico?”

I freeze, searching for his gaze in the dark. “I don’t know,” I respond carefully, narrowing my eyes.

“Vitus seemed to think you had something to do with their disappearance.”

“Yeah, well, Vitus also thinks the earth is flat and that he could take as many extra lovers as he wanted, but if I even breathed the same air as another man, he’d try to bash my skull in.” I wiggle against Cash’s hold, gritting my teeth as he bears down harder on me, our fronts lining up and his grip on my wrists turning punishing.

“He hurt you?”

---