Page 138 of Crazy Thing

“Although Darius was trying to do a good deed, the whole thing just feels tainted with lies and mistrust.It still feels like him, wielding his power. It feels imbalanced.”

Layla shakes my shoulder. “Girl, why are you over here crying? I don’t want to downplay what you’re feeling. But some other woman would be on her knees, giving that man the blowjob of the century as we speak!”

“Eww!” Karli slaps Layla’s arm. “That’s my gross brother you’re talking about.”

Nicky smirks, wiggling her engagement ring in Karli’s face. “One girl’s gross brother is another girl’s dream man. Ronan is definitely mine.” She bats her eyelashes, practically swooning.

“Circle of life,” Alana waggles her eyebrows, gesturing to herself, Meghan, Nadia and Emma, who are all married to Nicky’s brothers.

Karli laughs at Nicky’s disgusted expression. “Ha! Look who’s cringing now!”

“Can we get back to the topic at hand?” Nadia uses her no nonsense lawyer voice on her misbehaving sisters-in-law. “Zig, this all seems like a big misunderstanding between you and Darius. Are you sure it’s worth breaking up over?”

“That’s the thing. It’s not about the misunderstanding itself. It’s about what the misunderstanding revealed to me about myself.”

“What do you mean?” Alana asks me.

“I…I…I’m not ready,” I admit. “I’m not ready to be in a relationship. I’m not ready to love or to be loved. I’m too afraid.”

I’m the problem here. Not Darius. I am one hundred percent the problem here.

“And why do you say that?” Emma questions, putting away her notebook and scooting up beside me, her expression wry.

“The whole situation awakened me to the reality that I am not fully healed from what happened between Darius and me sixteen years ago. I mayneverfully be healed.”

Darius may think that he was keeping agoodsecret from me, and maybe he was, but all he managed to do was reinforce my belief that trusting a man with my heart is dangerous. His well-meaning actions poked at my deepest insecurity.It all made me feel gullible and stupid.

When I’m finished spilling my guts, Aunt Rainbow takes my hands in hers. She furrows her brows at me. “No one will ever be ‘fully healed’, moonbeam. You just have to keep making forward motion, keep tiptoeing in the right direction every day.”

“It’s not that simple…” I argue weakly. It’s not simple at all. Even my daily meditation can’t bring me clarity these days.

She sighs. “I can’t tell you what to do. You’re a grown woman and you’re going to make your own decisions. But Ziggy, you deserve to live a life that is full and juicy in all areas. You’ll never have that life if you keep starving yourself of love.”

As I process my aunt’s words, Meghan interjects. “Something you said to me once has always stuck with me.”

“Oh god. My big mouth. What did I say?” I mumble.

“When I broke things off with Cash and I was convinced that I could never have love, you said to me, as humans, nothing outside of us has the power to keep us trapped the way our own negative mindset can.” She smiles at me. “You told me that the reason I didn’t have love in my life was because I wasn’t letting love in. I swear, Ziggy. That advice changed my life. It gave me the balls to allow the man I love to love me back.”

Emma chimes in. “When I was scared to face the fact that I was in love with Jasper, you told me to put on my big girl panties and get my feelings out in the open, to be honest with him. You also advised me to make sure that those big girl panties were lacy. That turned out to beexcellentadvice.”

Nadia giggles. “You really do give the best advice, Zig.”

“Remember what you said to me when I was having a hard time believing Davis could ever love me if all of my deepest secrets came to light?” Alana whispers, a hint of lingering embarrassment in her eyes.

“What did I say?” I whisper meekly.

Alana smiles kindly. “You told me that if I couldn’t validate myself, I’d never feel comfortable accepting his validation, and if I couldn’t love myself, his love would always feel foreign to me. You told me I had to believe I was worth fighting for. You’re worth fighting for, too, Ziggy.”

All the advice that I’ve dished out so liberally over the years is getting thrown back in my face. And I don’t like it one bit.

A soft voice pipes up from the other side of the room, cracking with emotion. “You gave me the strength to stand up for myself when our parents were walking all over me.”

My eyes lift in the direction of Daphne’s voice. She approaches, dropping down on the couch beside me wearing her baggy sweatshirt and skinny jeans now.

“And my life hasn’t been the same since. I’m getting married now largely because I listened to the advice you gave me. It’s time you take your own advice, sister.”

Aunt Rainbow squeezes my shoulder. “You know the right decision, Ziggy. Even though it’s not pretty. Even though it’s not easy. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself.”

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