Page 96 of Crazy Thing

“Sorry, Aunt Rainbow. I haven’t heard a word you said since that man walked away,” I confess.

Hands clutched over her chest, she sighs wistfully. “Thestars are aligning, aren’t they? Looks like that recent Venus-Mars conjunction has sparked a soul connection.”

I turn to her, chewing on my bottom lip. “I don’t know, Aunt Rainbow.” I grab a shopping basket from near her cash register.

She’s furrowing her eyebrows at me, looking bewildered. “What? The infatuation on Darius’s face is obvious. Are you saying the feeling isn’t mutual? You don’t feel the same way he does?”

“I do. And that’s exactly the problem,” I admit.

“I don’t understand.”

My chest deflates on an exhale. Trying to distract myself, I pause to browse a poster for the upcoming Peace and Pumpkins Festival. “All of this just feels so sudden, so unexpected. These feelings came out of nowhere. I’ve never been so utterly immersed in another person. Not just in the lusty, passionate moments. But in those quiet, calm moments, too. It’s like, when we’re together, it just feels so right. Intense but serene at the same time.”

“And why is that a problem, moonbeam?” I see the concern expressed in the lines on her face.

I offer a weak shrug as I drop a few lemons into my basket. “I keep wondering if I’m just deluding myself. I mean—Darius isn’t the type of man that I ever imagined myself with.”

“What do you mean?” she asks, following closely on my heels as I add items to my shopping basket.

“He’s so…worldly and logical,” I say. “Meanwhile, I allow my intuition and my spiritual gifts to guide me, even when it makes no sense to the outside world. He’s ridiculously rich while I can barely keep my bank account from dipping below zero. He’s the opposite of me in every way.” I chew on my lip some more. “But at the same time, there’s this connection and understanding between us I’ve never felt with anyone else.”

I turn and face her, a sense of urgency gripping my chest. “That’s good, moonbeam.” She affectionately squeezes my shoulder.

“But how can I remain true to myself when I’m falling for someone who’s so different from me? What if I end up losing myself?”

“Or…what if he unlocks pieces of you that you’ve been unaware of this whole time?” she counters.

I blink. “What do you mean?”

My aunt smiles kindly. “Y’know—Jimmy is my opposite, too. He’s grounded and broody and analytical. But me? I’ve always got my head in the clouds. He does his best to keep my feet on the ground. Without him, I would have probably floated off to another galaxy by now and never come back.”

We both laugh.

She continues. “What I’m saying is, ‘opposite’ doesn’t have to mean ‘bad’. It’s ying and yang. There’s power in contrast. My husband balances me out. We compliment each other. I help him see possibilities. He helps me see reason. And together, we’re a powerhouse.”

I like the sound of that. A powerhouse. Could that be Darius and me?

“It’s just so hard to trust that our connection is genuine,” I say. I pick up a sweet potato, inspecting it mindlessly. “I don’t…I can’t…I don’t trust him.”

My aunt takes the potato from me, dropping it into my basket and adding a few more. “What exactly is it that you don’t trust?” she asks sagely, like she already knew the answer before she even formulated the question.

“I guess…I don’t trust the feelings he claims to have for me.” I feel my throat closing up. “To be honest—I don’t trust thatI’menough for him. I’m scared that I’m just an experiment to him. A peculiar flavor to taste. An unusual phase that he’ll eventually move on from.” Basically, I don’t trustmyself.I don’t trust my worth.

How many men have refused to take me seriously in a relationship sense? How many times have I opened up to a guy only to be treated like some hush-hush experience? Something forbidden. Something that could never be brought out into the light. How many times in my life have I been treated like that? Hell—even my own parents can’t accept me for who I am.

That’s why Darius and his hand-holding and his public displays of affection are all so foreign to me. Too good to be real.

Aunt Rainbow speaks forcefully. “Ziggy—youknowthat you’re way more than that. You know how innately special you are. And Darius Brighton is far too shrewd of a man to not see the treasure you are.”

“Intellectually, I’m trying to believe all that. I’ve been meditating on it a lot. It’s just that, sometimes it’s hard to actually put those beliefs into practice in real life.” I sigh.

I’ve been trying for so long to see the best in me. I’ve been working so hard to shift my perception of myself. Yet somehow, it feels like I’m going in circles.

How many more crystals is it going to take? How many more sticks of incense am I going to have to burn? What’s the perfect mantra I need to chant tofinallyfeel good about myself? Have I just been deluding myself all along? Will Ieverget to the place where I can believe that I’m good enough?

And I feel so guilty because everyone thinks I have my shit all sorted out. Am I nothing but a big, giant fraud? Oh, god.

Aunt Rainbow drops a bundle of fresh basil into my basket. She cups my cheek, her touch cold but somehow so comforting. “Practice—that’s the keyword. That’s the work we should all be doing on a day to day basis. Practicing and trying to be better versions of ourselves.” She smiles softly. “Do you feel like Darius is genuinely trying to be a better man?”

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