Page 216 of Hide and Keep

He knows.

I look up at him, the confession on my tongue. What comes out instead is an accusation. “You changed my design.”

“If you would’ve stuck around, you could’ve changed it yourself.” He gestures to his scar. “The butterfly is for the first person that treated me as something other than this.” His finger moves to hover over the bat’s body. “You’re the second.”

Does he know?

“So, the butterfly is…” I croak, my voice as raw as I feel. He was getting a tattoo for me while I was being an asshole.

“A mystery. I never got a name, number, not even a clear enough look at their face to be able to identify them again.”

He’s being careful not to disclose the butterfly’s gender, probably so I won’t get jealous.

He doesn’t know.

“What if that person comes back into your life?”

“I belong to someone else now, don’t I?”

“No.” I force the word out with a headshake that feels more like a nod. “Because we’re not together. We can’t be. Just like you and Yasmin, our interactions are limited to a couple of rooms.”

“I’ve already made you come in three.” The three fingers he holds up are swollen and bloody. “I’m not that scared little teenager anymore. I don’t have anything left to lose.”

Yes, he does. He just doesn’t know it yet.

“That doesn’t change the fact that at the end of this, I will walk away…by his side, not yours.”

“Do you want to be with me before that?”

I shake my head. “That doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me. What you want matters to me.”

Tears prick my eyes, making my nose sting. Just because I’ve gone so long without love doesn’t mean I didn’t need it all along, didn’t crave it with every fiber of my being.

Cacti are drought resistant, too, yet they still require water. They can survive without it, but they only thrive when they’re consistently watered.

I don’t know if Crue loves me but a lot of the things he does feel like what I imagine love to be, and like a cactus, I’ve been soaking it all up, conserving it for those future periods of drought.

Crue makes me want to grow. He makes me want to be a better human being, someone who considers others’ needs, not just my own. That’s why I ran away tonight.

“I’m just trying to protect you.”

His eyes search mine. “From what?”

Me.

“Getting hurt.”

He grasps my face and leans way down until our noses are only inches apart.

“If you’re gonna ask me to stop anything, ask me to stop breathing because that’s the only way I’ll stop wanting you.”

I’ve never related to a statement more.

“That’d hurt you more,” I cry.

“You don’t want to see me hurt because you care about me, too. Because you want to be with me.”

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