Page 239 of Hide and Keep

“But also because I didn’t want Yasmin touching me like that. No, okay? That’s the truth. I didn’t. Not while she was hammered. Even though I liked her a lot, I’d already decided not to have sex with her that night. It would’ve been my first time, and I assumed it was hers, too. I didn’t want our first time to be while she wasn’t in full control of herself. I didn’t want any of our times together to be while she wasn’t in full control of herself.”

I was a horny seventeen-year-old boy. Of course I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but at some point. When it was right. Nothing felt right once we got in my car. I figured we’d go talk, let her sober up a bit away from the liquor someone had been giving her, maybe have our first kiss.

“Jesus, we hadn’t even kissed yet when she went straight for my dick.”

Ever’s eyebrows draw closer together, but she remains quiet.

“And how did I react?” I shake my head at myself.

Not how IthinkI would today. Not how most peoplethinksomeone should in that scenario.

“Probably the best you could at the time. You tried to deescalate the situation,” Ever finally says.

I didn’t deescalate shit. Obviously.

“By laughing it off,” I answer my own question with a laugh just as humorless as the ones in the car that night. “I should’ve pulled over.”

“You don’t know what would’ve happened if you did.”

“But I know what did happen when I didn’t. I crashed into an oncoming car, killing one person and injuring myself as well as another.”

“Crue.” Ever reaches for my hand but I pull it away before she can take hold.

“I don’t know why I laughed. It wasn’t funny.” It wasn’t fucking funny. Not when Yasmin refused to stop grabbing my dick or even sit down after my forced laughter was broken up by my pleas for her to stop. Fuck. Why wouldn’t she just sit down?

“Laughing is a defense mechanism. Your emotions were just trying to regulate themselves so you could continue driving and hopefully get out of a seriously stressful situation. Like I said, you don’t know what would’ve happened if you pulled over.”

“I wasn’t even thinking about that though.”

“Maybe not consciously. But your survival instincts kicked in and made you keep driving.”

I’ve carried a lot of guilt over that night. I’ve carried a lot of guilt over mydecisionsthat night.Maybe I should’ve just given in to Yaz, then she wouldn’t have been so frantic. Maybe Ishouldn’t have agreed to leave the dance with her at all. What did I think was going to happen?

Sex did cross my mind, and had she not been drunk, I probably, honestly, would’ve been down. But she was drunk and I wasn’t down. I thought I was going to spend some time with my girlfriend. That’s it. That’s what I thought was going to happen.

I never could’ve guessed she’d become…whatever she was before the crash. She’d been nothing but respectful until we were alone.

“But my reaction was—”

“Just that, a reaction. It was a response to an action. Yasmin’s action. She was in the wrong. Her action was wrong. Her…”

“Sexual assault.” Fuck.

“Yeah. It was wrong.”

“That’s something I’ve never considered. Never acknowledged. I think because it’s hard to see yourself as an underdog.”

“You’re not an underdog, Crue. You’re a victim.”

“I don’t fit the stereotypical description of a victim.”

“Society wants everyone to believe victims have to look and behave one way, but that’s not true. Guys, at any size, can be victims. Girls, in any state of dress, or undress, can be victims. Anyone, regardless of gender, or age, or what they look like, or sound like, or dress like, can be victims.”

The same can be said for attackers. They don’t fit one mold either. Mine was an introverted teenage girl. Ever’s was a well-respected chef.

One of us spoke up. One of us didn’t. Both of us were blamed anyway. Ever’s father turned it around on her, just like Yasmin’s father did to me.

“I don’t want to be anybody’s victim,” I say. Someone victimized me, but that doesn’t mean I have to continue being a victim, especially nottheirvictim.

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