Page 81 of Hide and Keep

I am an animal.

This is my cage.

I’m being herded exactly where he wants me.

I don’t have a choice. I don’t have any choices.

I never have.

I never will.

This is my life.

This is my life.

This is…

I bow my head and sob as silently as I can, that boulder from before so heavy it’s hard to stay upright, making the floor seem like a really, really nice place to rest.

If I let myself though, even for a moment, I will never get back up.

Slowly, I lift my head, then my eyes, all the way up to the top right corner of my mirror, to the sticky note there. I mentally repeat the affirmation…

We can’t change what we were born, only what we become.

Then I move to the next note, reciting that one…

I deserve good things to come to me.

And each one after it…

I’m doing my best, and that is enough.

I stand up for myself.

I am inherently worthy of love.

I will live in the moment today and not stress about my past or worry about the future.

My needs matter.

I matter.

…until I’ve read the entire frame of affirmations.

With my breathing regulated, my grip on the counter relaxes enough for my hands to fall away, limp at my sides.

I can’t focus on what’s coming, only what’s happening right now. In this moment, I need to relax.

I turn the handle for the bathtub to Hot, then light white beeswax pillar candles and place them around the rim. Something…off…catches my eye and I look down to see the water becoming whiter and thicker?

Bubbles?

It’s not foaming.

Epsom salt?

But mine smells like lavender. This smells like nothing really. Maybe a hint of cardboard. Kind of papery.

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