Page 68 of Deadly Sights

“Nadira?”

“I’m here, Julian.”

A bitter laugh burst from him. “Julian, Julian, always Julian.” He shakes his head. “Never the name I want to hear from your lips.”

I manage to grab his hand and get closer. His eyes are glossy as he blindly stares through me.

“What name do you want me to call you?”

He twists his head and a frown appears on his brow as if he hears me. “There’s only one title I’ve lived to be worthy of. Is my devotion not enough? I worship my queen because the world doesn’t deserve her. All I’ve ever wanted is to stand by her side.”

“You do stand by my side. You’re the only one I want beside me. How can you not think you’re worthy enough?”

He sleepily blinks until his lids fully close, blocking me from seeing if my words penetrated.

Tonight, Julian twists violently. I fear he’ll reopen his wound and worsen his fever. I lie atop him, making sure not to put pressure on his wounded side. The moment we connect, he settles and buries his face in my neck.

“Mr. Caddel…Mr. Zane… Mr. Flott… I don’t care what name as long as she calls me husband. Just call me husband…”

I barely hear him, but when the words register, a wave of guilt washes over me. I’ve accepted Julian’s presence in my life, his protection, and his love. I’ve taken so much, yet what have I given in return?

Yes, I told him I loved him, but have I shown him? He doesn’t know what seeing him this weak does to me. I’m hanging on by the last bit of fibers on a thin rope preventing me from falling into complete despair. Like Julian, I’ve lost loved ones. My parents, being the freshest loss I’ve relived. I can’t lose him, too.

I grab his face, but he’s asleep, no longer tossing and muttering. A broken sob escapes me as a tear falls from my lash to land on his cheek. “You are such a fool, you know that? How else do you explain why you don’t know you’ve come to mean more than my murky past and my uncertain present?” I swipe my runny nose. “For you, the name Julian isn’t as significant as the title of husband, but that’s because you don’t know what Julian means to me. Julian is the sun by which I tell time, the moon that heals, and the air that breathes life. You are Julian, no matter where you go or how many aliases you have. And I can’t believe you don’t know that Julian is tattooed on my heart. Even when I didn’t know you, you were there.”

Silence meets my confession, but I’ll tell him again when the time is right. I can’t stand to watch him in pain whetherit’s physical or emotional. I’m even less equipped to handle his distress while knowing I’m the cause. But until we remove the danger his company poses to our happiness, I’m leery about confessing the depths of my feelings. I’m not a superstitious person, but the scenarios that play in my mind prove me wrong. I keep imagining his joy when I admit how deeply embedded in my heart he is, then one of us dies at the hands of his company. After everything they’ve taken from me, I won’t survive the pain of losing Julian, and he would be even worse off.

Another day goes by while Julian’s fever slowly ebbs. I take heart in his progress because he has more lucid moments. The antibiotics seem to be working, and the tight vise around my chest begins to loosen.

Outside, I continue to shovel snow bit by bit to clear the driveway, but it’s turned to mostly ice and takes a lot more out of me. Exhaustion drags at me, making every step, arm raise, and muscle movement more onerous than the last. I have yet to sleep more than twenty minutes at a time, too concerned Julian will begin tossing again and backslide.

Today is the fourth day we’ve been holed up. The generator is out. Thankfully, two hours later, the heating system kicks in again. I go to check on Julian, who is sitting upright in bed, and I rush to his side to take his temperature.

He grabs my hand before I can place the external monitor on his forehead. The beautiful golden brown of his irises is the clearest I’ve seen since we took refuge here.

“Julian?”

“What have you done to yourself?”

My hand immediately goes to the corn rows in my hair. I discarded my blonde wig days ago and haven’t thought about wrapping my hair once. I must look a mess. While I feel self-conscious for the first time in recent memory, Julian reaches out to caress the thin skin under my eye.

“When was the last time you slept?”

I brush his hand away. “You don’t get to ask me that when all it’ll take to blow you over is a stiff wind.” I blink away the tears of relief that make his image blurry.

“Now sit still while I take your temperature.”

He frowns at me as I touch his forehead. “I bet you haven’t eaten properly without me to look after you.”

The thermometer reads ninety-eight degrees. “Your temp is good, but don’t think that I’ll allow you to overexert yourself. I don’t want you getting another fever.”

“Nadira, do you realize you’ve been swaying this whole time? Lie beside me and rest.”

“I’m not swaying…” I blink, fluttering my eyes to keep him in focus, but he seems to get farther and farther away. “Maybe I’ll sit for a …”

CHAPTER 28

THE COVER UP

---