Page 48 of Between Now and Forever

I’m the only introvert.

The only artist.

The only one who needed glasses.

The only one who didn’t need braces.

The only one who had violent fits in his sleep and fought his way through high school.

The only one whose anxiety can be crippling.

Did I get all of those things from my biological parents? My mom and dad didn’t have a clue. I was left, abandoned on the doorsteps of a church in the middle of winter. They have no clue who left me there. I assured them that I didn’t want to know. Why would I? They’re as meaningless to me as I was to them.

And yet…I’m tormented by thoughts of them. Playing the piano used to quiet my mind. Now, all I think about are the people who came together long enough to make me and then threw me away.

The word prodigy has been used to describe my mastery of the piano at a very young age.

The decision to turn my talent into a career came at the hands of my parents. My father is a talent agent. My mother is a pediatrician but practiced medicine on a reality show my father was the executive producer of.

Both of my siblings have spent their entire lives on stage. Jack was recruited by a major European team when he was seventeen. When his career ended in a burning ball of shit and leaked sex tapes, my father leveraged the exposure of that and made Jack an overnight sensation. Nadia grew up in community theatre. She’s wanted to be an actress her whole life. But she’s 6’1” and looks like a young Charlize Theron. There can only be one of her and the only roles she could land were playing women who were butch and manly. And she decided to skip the middle man and take her message straight to the people. She’s built an Instagram empire that includes make up, clothes, travel until she discovered the digital stage we all call Instagram.

It was only natural that would also leverage the thing I was good at into a reality television show. But, a classical pianist is a bit of a hard sell and instead of my own show, I was an extra on my brother’s.

My father said if I could build a following with my music, become like the Tiger Woods of classical music, it might happen.

I was on my way to doing that when they dropped the bomb on me about my paternity.

The piano was my solace; and my therapist.

Now, evenitfeels like a stranger. My father is the one who helped me cultivate my talent.

Until I knew I was adopted, I thought his insistence on lessons is what made me great. But now, I wonder if one of my parents was a gifted musician. And if I took this trait from them, would I take others?

These questions, as useless and unknowable as they are, plague me.

I have moments where I convince myself that it doesn’t matter. I firmly believe that no matter where you’re born, the relationships that bind or break families are a choice. Whether it’s biology or love that brings you together, staying that way is a decision you make every day.

Penn is Jack and Nadia’s stepmother. She was my father’s student, and when they fell in love, he resigned so she wouldn’t have to drop out because the school had a strict policy. She was twenty-four, and he was an almost forty-year-old widower with two small kids.

When Penn was diagnosed with cervical cancer at the age of twenty-one a hysterectomy left her unable to have children. She and my father chose adoption when they felt ready to grow their family.

That’s what we are.

It’s what we’ve always been.

How wecameto be isn’t important.

At least, that’s what I’ve always thought.

By the time I reach the bottom of the stairs leading to the bedrooms, my mood is all fucked.

I’m not up for playing the charming Carter tonight, after all. So, instead of going to Liz’s room like I said I would, I sit downstairs until I’m sure she’s fallen asleep.

Then, I head up to my room.

At the top of the stairs, I see light peeking through the door to her room.

Despite my earlier resolve, I find myself standing outside of her room, trying to stop myself from knocking.

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