Page 67 of Between Now and Forever

“What?”

“The woman behind the counter looked at me like she’d seen a ghost, and then basically threw me out of the store. I went back for something I forgot a minute later and she’d closed up.”

“Hmm, that’s odd. Think maybe she recognized you from the press?”

“I mean, I don’t think she was a fan. She looked like she recognized me. And she didn’t seem happy about it.”

“Hmm….” is all my father says in response, and I slide a glance over at him. He’s looking out of the window like he doesn’t have a care in the world, but his leg is bouncing. When he sees me notice, he says, “I love this song,” and turns the radio up.

I raise my eyebrows. “I wouldn’t call a GEICO commercial a song, but who am I to judge?” I say.

“Fuck off, son,” he grumbles and then turns the radio off.

“Why did that story make you nervous?”

“Because, I don’t want you thinking about your adoption,” he snaps angrily.

I’m incredulous.

“Why not? It’s my fucking right to know. You can’t keep lying to me.”

“We’renot!” he roars, and his hands slam down on the dashboard. His face is red, and he breathes fast and hard like he’s trying to cool down.

I’ve never once seen my father get anything beyond annoyed. My heart pounds in my ears as I wait for him to speak. How did things escalate so quickly? A minute ago, we were both laughing.

He smooths his hair back in place and sits up straight. I glance at him and he’s staring straight ahead.

“Please, I need you to listen and not interrupt me, Carter,” he says in an uncharacteristically hard voice.

I nod tersely.

“We didn’t tell you about being adopted for all of those years because we knew you wouldn’t take it well. We wanted you to be old enough to handle the emotional turmoil it would cause. We hoped you’d be mature enough to ask us for help. We hoped you would trust us enough to know that we would do anything to help you. But, that’s not what happened.”

“Are you going to throw that back in my face for the rest of my life?”

“Only until you stop behaving like you need to be reminded.” He says in a low clipped voice. “If you want answers to questions about your biological family, you have to be brave enough to ask them. We’ve told you all we know. We’re not going to go looking on your behalf. You’ve got to own this.”

I growl in frustration at how flippant he is. He’s talking about this gaping hole in my life story like it’s a menu item a restaurant ran out of.

“Why didn’t you try to find out more about my mother when you got me?” I demand.

“Why would we? You were healthy and there was no reason for us to go above and beyond to find the people who looked at your face and still managed to walk away from you. We took you home, we loved you, end of story.” His voice is tense and his lips are drawn in a thin line as he stares straight ahead.

“That’s not good enough, dad”

He deflates a little.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry.” He looks at me and his eyes are red and glassy with unshed tears. I’ve never seen my father cry and it renders me speechless.

“We love you more than we love breathing. And to know that you feel like there is a gaping hole in your life story…and to watch you destroy yourself because the one thing I can’t give you is the one thing you need to feel complete.” He looks back from the window.

The silence is weighted with echoes of his words.

I hate that my parents feel that way. I’ve made a mess of this because I forgot that they’re going through this, too.

“Dad. That’s not it. At all. I would have lived my whole life feeling complete if I hadn’t known that there were other people with pieces of me out in the world. That woman recognizing me was scary. I’ve never looked like anyone to anyone. I just wanted to know if it was possible that my birth mother or father was from here. It’s possible.”

He sighs wearily and nods to himself.

---