Page 72 of Between Now and Forever

“I understand everything. I’m never going to forgive you.” I stand.

“Clo—” Her voice breaks, but I won’t look at her again.

“Don’tcall me that.” It feels like an intimacy that we no longer share.

“I’m so sorry, Elisabeth,” my mother says quietly behind me. The sadness in her voice is unmistakable. I feel a wave of pity for her.

Impulsively, I walk over to sit in the seat next to her.

“Mother.”

She looks up at me hopefully.

Guilt makes her gaze impossible to hold. I look down at my hands.

“I know you lost James, too. I know that your loss is deeper and different from mine. I wish we had the kind of relationship where we could comfort each other. I could do with that, myself. But… I don’t know you. You don’t know me. I hope one day, that will change. Your being here is just making things harder. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but I’m barely breathing.”

She grasps my hand hard. “Let me be here. If something happened to you, too. I know you don’t understand.”

I pull my hand free. “I think it’s best if you don’t come to see me again. There’s no point.”

A wave of dizziness sends me teetering. I grab the table to steady myself, and she rushes to my side and helps me down into the chair.

“You’re burning up,” she says.

“Come, chéri, let me take you to bed.” Her hair floats around, the smell of sunshine and flowers flings me back in time, and for a minute I’m six and her touch is comfort.

“Come, my darling Clover—” And just like that the spell is broken and reality slams into me. She’s going to leave and I won’t see her again until there’s another tragedy or whatever.

I flinch away from her and stand. The cold I’ve been fighting all week is getting worse.

“I don’t need you.” This time I make sure I don’t look at her face. I’m not going to let guilt hold me here.

“Goodbye, mother.” I turn and leave.

12

HOLDING MY BREATH

CARTER

“Today,I was watching a group of boys, they were maybe ten years old, climbing up to the roof of the library. That building is four stories high. My heart was in my throat the whole time. But it was only when they made it safely to the top that I realized I wasn’t holding my breath because I was afraid they’d fall. I was holding my breath, because I was afraid they wouldn’t. That’s terrible, right?”

Beth turns to look at me when she asks. It’s the first time she’s looked at me since we got to the church where she asked me to meet her.

“Why are you smiling at me?” she asks. Her blue eyes narrow in annoyance when I laugh at her question.

“Were you hoping I’d be scowling?”

She looks away sharply, and I grasp her chin and turn her back to face me. Her eyes are shadowed by fatigue and narrowed by anger.

“Is that why you haven’t looked at me once since you got here?”

She pulls her chin out of my hold and faces me straight as a raised pulpit.

“You shouldn’t be nice to me.”

“I know. You’re awful, but I can’t seem to help myself.”

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