Page 73 of Between Now and Forever

She snorts a laugh that she suppresses quickly. “I don’t want to laugh. I wished harm on those boys.” She smacks my thigh. I place a hand on the exposed plane between her shoulder blades.

“You’ve got a beautiful back. You should leave it exposed more often.”

She arches her back, pushing her shoulder blades together.

“I’m only wearing this because everything was dirty. I feel half naked.”

“Half naked is a good look on you,” I observe.

She turns her head suddenly; her face is puckered and so fucking cute. I smile at her.

“Stop flirting with me.”

“I can’t seem to help it. I swear, I’m not a flirt.”

She’s dressed in shorts and a loose fitting dark green tank top that’s almost completely open in the back. I lower my lips to the base of her neck and press a kiss there. I think you should wear a necklace that dangles down your back. One that I can only see when your back is bare.”

She looks nostalgic.

“My mother had something like that. At least, I think so.” She yawns and closes her eyes.

I place a hand on her neck and stroke down, pressing into the toned muscles of her shoulders. She feels warm to the touch, but it’s the middle of the afternoon in the middle of May in Texas, and this church is not air-conditioned.

She drops her head back and sighs in relief.

“You need this.” I dig my fingers in a little deeper and she hisses.

“I think I slept funny.” She winces as I press a tender spot.

“I’m surprised you’ve slept at all.”

“I’m so tired. That’s why I’m having such terrible thoughts.”

Bitterness makes her voice brittle and deep.

Self-loathing comes off her in waves, and I know exactly how she feels.

“When my father got sick, every time I sat across from some industry asshole who probably had raped more women than he’d hired, puffing away at an entire pack of cigarettes during an hour long meeting, I’d wonder why they didn’t have lung cancer, but my father who has only ever helped people, runs marathons, and hasn’t smoked a day in life—did. The world needed people like him. None of those assholes would have adopted a kid when they already had two. I’m not proud of thinking that, but I’m not ashamed either. I don’t wish death on anyone, but in that moment, it felt unfair.”

She nods vigorously.

“Exactly. My brother was careful and loving and honest. The world can’t spare that.Ican’t spare it. I need him back.” She takes a breath that’s scalloped by sobs and lets her head fall back as she searches the sky for answers that aren’t there.

I watch her helplessly for a second and then pull her into me. She presses her head to my chest and cries so hard her whole body shakes. My shirt grows wet under her cheek, and I stroke her head and shoulders and back until her sobs quiet.

She pulls away, sniffling and wiping her face with the back of her hands.

“God, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m just glad I could be here. I wish there was something I could do.”

The church’s hollow quiet fills the space between us. Suddenly, she sits up and turns her body to face me. Her eyes are intent on mine for the first time all evening. It’s also the first full-on view I’ve had of her and I’m taken aback.

She’s pale, her forehead is shiny with sweat, her eyes are feverish, and her lips are dry to the point of cracking.

“Why are you looking at me like that?

“Whoa, Beth. Are you okay?” I press a hand to her forehead and cringe at how hot it is.

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