Page 97 of Between Now and Forever

“You don’t owe anyone anything.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. Weallowe someone something.You, most of all.”

“Why because I’m adopted?”

“Yes. Precisely because you are. You weren’t the result of a drunken night when they forgot birth control. Theywantedyou. You turning that offer down was like spitting in the face of every sacrifice they’ve made on your behalf.”

Until this moment, I’d been trying to keep the conversation neutral, at least outwardly. We’re in a public place.

“That is really low, J.” I say.

He shrugs, as if completely unbothered, but I can see that he’s exactly where I am.

“The truth hurts. I know you’ve struggled since Dad’s death, but you’ve got to stop acting like you’re the only one who lost something.”

And just like that, I’m reminded that my brother is an asshole I have nothing in common with. I stand up and glare down at him.

“My whole life is a lie. I have no idea who I am. You don’t have the right to tell me what I’ve lost.”

His expression is thunderous as he stands slowly. The thin veneer of patience he’s been wearing is gone and he wears his annoyance openly. He leans toward me, putting his face in mine.

We’re the same size, but I don’t work out the way he does. I’ve never been afraid to throw the first punch, and I relish in throwing the last one, too. The last thing I want tonight is a fight. Not when I know now that this violence is in my blood and is capable of the worst.

But, on this, he doesn’t get to tell me how to feel.

He bites back whatever he’s about to say with visible effort and takes a step back. His expression softens and I hate it because I don’t want him or anyone else to feel sorry for me. I’m not a charity case. I deserve to be part of this family. I’m going to prove it to myself and then to them.

When he speaks, his voice is laced with disappointment. It feels exponentially worse than his anger. I’m hit by the sudden urge to hug him.

“You spent your whole life working toward something. And when you finally get it, you walk away from it like it wasn’t your dream come true. Put whatever’s going on inside that thick skull of yours aside for just a minute. Think about what it’s doing to Mom. To me. To Nadia. You like to act like the only person who has to live with your decisions is you. We’re a family. When you fall, we do, too.”

“I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment,” I say through gritted teeth.

“The only person you’re disappointing is yourself,” he says and the judgment in his voice slides right under my skin.

I need to get away from this, right now.

He doesn’t call after me as I set out onto the crowded sidewalk and let the crowd of people sweep me along Tenth Avenue. I walk without a destination. Normally, the sounds of the city ground me and remind me that this is who I am. This is my home. But tonight, the sounds of car horns blaring, brakes squeaking, and shouts of people calling to passing neighbors sound alien.

I’ve been cast adrift on a raft with no oars.

I walk to the twenty-four-hour deli around the corner, waving absently at the waitress who greets me from behind the counter before I slump into a booth, pull out my phone and read the email that sent my life into free fall.

Dear Mr. Bosh,

These are the facts as I’ve been able to confirm them. I’ve attached the documents providing proof for the following assertions.

On October 29th,1993, a Methodist Church in Ithaca, NY, reported a trespasser but the police report indicates when the police arrived, the trespasser had only been there long enough to leave an infant, less than a few hours old on their doorstep. This was two days before your birth certificate was issued and a few weeks later, your parents took you home from the intake home you were sent to after you were made a ward of the state.

On November 11th, in Rosenburg, TX, a woman stumbled into a police station. She identified herself as Susan Kendicott. She confessed to the murder of her husband, to setting the fire that burned the house they shared after she killed him. She lived in Winsome. She’d been presumed missing when her remains hadn’t been found in the fire. It was quite the shock to the town.

She entered a plea of not guilty at first. And then on the eve of her trial, she changed it and pled guilty. The terms of her plea are sealed, but the local press speculated at the time that she did it because the state was pursuing the death penalty and offered her the life sentence in exchange for foregoing a trial.

I believe you are the baby she dropped off at the church before she came back to Texas to face justice. When she was examined, she was found to have given birth recently. The notes say within the last three months. Any statement she made about the baby’s whereabouts are in the sealed documents. But given the DNA match on this site, I believe you are that baby. In order for me to confirm this I would need to dig deeper and follow a few more leads.

I close the email and call him.

“Hey, what leads?” I ask as soon as he answers.

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