Page 17 of Between Now & Heartbreak

“A lack of love isn’t what keeps me up at night.”

“It should.” Her gaze is tormented and I can’t muster any more words in defense of my choices.

I cradle my suddenly pounding head in my hands and wish I could make this all just stop.

She wraps me in a hug and it’s the sweetest relief. I hug her back.

“There’s a whole world waiting for you…” she whispers in my ear.

I want to cry. But there’s no point.

“I’ve made my choice and I’m sick of having to defend it.”

“It’s a fucking stupid choice.”

I pull out of her hug and cast a sullen sidelong glance in her direction. Her expression is unrepentant and defiant.

“I know you think you’re helping me, but you’re being an asshole,”I say petulantly.

“Telling you the truth doesn’t make me an asshole. No, the asshole here is the person who’s looking her friend dead in the face andlying.”

Her words are like a splash of water in my eyes. I’m disconcerted by her naked, but absolutely understandable, ire.

She downs what’s left of her drink and puts the glass down with a thud.

“Let’s go.”

She doesn’t wait for me to respond before she stands and starts toward the entrance.

I grab my purse and follow her out.

She’s never been anything even close to annoyed with me before.

I’m desperate to tell her that I’mterrifiedI’ve made huge, irrevocable mistakes and I have no idea how to fix them.

That underneath the fancy clothes and the stupid smile I’m always wearing, I’m just a coward with a capacity for compartmentalizing that scares me.

My chest heaves with the effort ofnotbaring my soul to her.

But I can’t. I don’t know that she won’t tell anyone. Not maliciously, but that kind of secret, when it’s not your own, is almost impossible to keep.

The silence between us is oppressive as we stop of pull our shoes off and then pad through the muddy field back the way we came.

Once we’re in the car, the tension takes up so much room, that it feels too small for both of us. Unable to bear it any longer, I try to straddle the yawning chasm that’s formed between us.

“Dina, it’s not you.”

She laughs and it’s a shrill sound that should never come from the throat of this loving, happy person.

“It doesn’t matter, Liz. I understand. I’m not mad. I just…want to get home.”

My emotions are swinging like the rudderless pendulum of a broken clock between sadness and panic. I can’t lose this relationship, too. I can’t tell her the whole truth, but I can tell her some of it.

I lick my dry lips and clear my throat.

“When we met last summer, we kissed. Me and Carter.” I brace for her reaction.

It’s instantaneous and strangely enough, tinged with relief.

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