Page 35 of Between Now & Heartbreak

We speak at the same time.

“You go first.” I urge.

She smiles, looks up at me through her lashes, and my breath catches at the first direct eye contact we’ve made.

“I just wondered how you’re all doing. I was so sorry when I heard your father had died. It was already months later, and I hated that I hadn’t been there for you. I mean, not that you needed me. I know you have your family, but I just wished I could have told you how sorry I was. And I don’t know who sent that text. But, I asked after you showed it to me. My stepmother says that my father cancelled the service. So maybe the number was reassigned?”

I didn’t expect her to bring it up so soon. But I’m glad she did.

“What happened, Beth? We talked that morning and then you never answered your phone again.”

She looks down at the floor, and bites her lip.

“My father sent me to live with my grandmother.” I don’t miss the way her breath leaves her in a shuddering exhale.

“Why?”

“Um, lots of reasons.” She says quietly.

“Was I one of them?” I hold my breath for the seconds the tick by before she responds.

She nods, her head still bent, but her finger swipes quickly at her cheek and I hate myself.

“I’m so fucking sorry. Is that what your message was about?”

She nods again and then lets out a long breath before then looks up again. If those were tears she was wiped away a few seconds ago, there’s no sign of them now.

She’s smiling and clear eyed. “It’s all in the past. There’s nothing to be sorry for. It was bad timing.. You’ve had your own stuff. How’s your mother? Is she in New York?”

I’m not done asking questions, but it’s clear she’s done answering them. So, I let her switch roles with me.

“My mom’s okay. Everything feels different without him. But, we’re coping.”

Her lips purse in a sympathetic smile and she sighs.“I know what you mean. It’s almost a year and I thought time would make it hurt less, but it just hurts different, if that makes sense.”

“I think them being gone forever means, it’ll hurt forever. I’m still stuck on denial. I pick up my phone to call him at least once a day. I can’t believe he’s just…gone.” It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve said outside therapy to anyone about how I’m feeling.

“What happened? With your dad, I mean? If you don’t mind telling me. It just I thought he was in remission.” She finally looks up at me and the honesty that stole my heart the first time I saw it, is back in her eyes. This is the Beth I know and so I drop my armor and take the relief she’s offering me.

“I don’t mind at all. I love talking about him. Sometimes, I forget he’s gone until someone reminds me by changing the subject when I mention him.”

She nods, her body relaxing slightly. “Yeah, same here. And I forget he’s gone, too. Just last night, I called his name before I remembered he wasn’t there to answer,” she swallows hard and tries to smile.

“It sucks, Beth. We don’t have to pretend it doesn’t.”

She flushes, but she nods in gratitude. “Thank you. And I’m sorry that you get it. It’s not an understanding I’d wish on anyone.”

She wraps her around herself like she’s cold and her eyes looks their focus and she appears lost in thought.

I take her in properly for the first time.

She looks so different. Her hair, her clothes, her makeup. But I can see the same woman who was sat shattered in her living room the day went to the house. I wish we could forget all the water that passed under the bridge we’re standing on.

I want so badly to touch her.

“Was it sudden? Your dad?” Her question pulls me back and I run a hand through my hair and stare up at the ceiling for a second.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to keep going on.” She moves toward me, her hand outstretched as if she’s going to pat my arm.

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