Page 54 of Between Now & Heartbreak

His eyes slide to me.

“Let me play it for you. And then you’ll see.” His voice is deep, sensual and a tremor of excited anticipation runs through me.

Without taking his eyes off me, he starts and I watch in wonder as he makes himself a master of invisible elements and shapes the air into beautiful sound. The notes wash over me, so peacefully at first. My eyes close on their own accord. But instead of plunging me into the dark, his music illuminates corners of my mind that I’ve never been able to reach before. Beyond the shadows and dragons.

Then the music changes, layers and turmoil fractures the peace, but it’s not dark. It’s as bright and shining as the sun. In this light, my dragon is golden.

I need to draw this feeling.

I open my eyes to find him watching me, but there’s that faraway look in his eyes, but his body is fully engaged with the piano and they are acting as one.

I pick up my pad and start to sketch him. We don’t speak again.

By the time I look up from my work, the sun is coming up. Carter stopped playing some time ago and has fallen asleep on my couch. I get myself ready for work and leave him sleeping.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. But I’m loving every second of it.

13

GARDEN OF DREAMS

BETH

When I was little,I was convinced that my birthday was bad luck. Even when I was too young to fathom the traps and pitfalls I’ve discovered as an adult, I knew for sure that I was cursed. Being born onthatday, with an indelible and omnipresent mark that multitasked as a declaration of mywrongnessand a reminder of my otherness. It surefeltlike bad luck.

So, birthdays as far as I was concerned, could fuck off and die. Oh, and it didn’t help that thanks to being the shadow of my much older brothers, I also cursed like a sailor by the time I was five.

Needless to say, my birthdays weren’t days filled with happy feelings. But the fact that it’s also the day my brother died makes me wish I’d never been born.

I left work early to meet Erin at the cemetery this afternoon. We cleared away dead flowers and hugged and then she left. She told me she’s dating again. I’m happy for her. If she and James weren’t happy, I hope this time she will be.

I stay after she leaves and lay down on the patch of grass next to the small stone that marks his resting place.

The huge limestone headstone won’t be ready for a few more months. It’s a gaudy, hideous monument that he would hate. But it’s the same one that adorns every Wolfe man buried here. The women have tiny statues and are buried in the shadow of their husband’s monument. A symbolic memorialization of the way she spent her life, most likely.

When I die, I want to be scattered over an ocean. I want to melt and then evaporate up into the sky and help form clouds. And when it rains, I want to drench the earth somewhere I can water a seed that is buried deep.

It’s a fantasy, one I’ve drawn and painted many times. I’ll probably just be lowered into the ground in a box somewhere and become worm food. But, I know for sure I won’t be buried here.

I lay a hand on the cold gravestone and trace the etched letter of his name while I talk to him.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year since you left me.” I laugh at myself and imagine his chiding glance. “I know… I’m selfish. You left everyone else, too.” I run my finger up the sharp bezel edge of J in his name. “But I’m the only one who’s really alone without you…”

The memory of Carter asleep on my couch when I left for work this morning, like he has been every morning since he started coming over last week, flashes through my mind and the heaviness in my chest lightens. I smile for the first time today.

“Well, maybe not so lonely anymore…but you know that, I guess…” I huff a small laugh. “I bet you sent him backrightwhen I needed him.” I sigh deeply at the idea.

“Everything felt terrible until a few days ago. Now, he’s a daily fixture in my home—I mean inyourhome.”

I sigh and turn so my back is to the grass. He’s buried underneath the huge black walnut tree in our family cemetery. The shade makes laying out here on summer afternoons somewhat bearable. Still, sweat had started to pool under my cheek and I suddenly felt the pull of the sky.

I gaze up at it through the lace of leaves that canopy me, and sigh in relief as the light breeze cools my face. Then, I tell my brother all about Carter like I planned to that night in the hospital. There’s a lot to tell. I can’t believe that it’s only been a week.

“James, it’s great. He’s there when I come home after work, and there when I leave in the morning. I only know he’s gone home in between because he’s changed and shaved and smells like that soap of his I used last year. The night you came looking for me. The night everything changed.” The ache I’d been carrying all day had receded a little, but now it’s back.

The most beautiful night of my life is inextricably linked to and tainted by what the dawn brought.

“Why did you come looking for me that night? I don’t understand. I was safe. I called you to tell you.” I ask the question and I stare at the sky, praying for an answer that I know won’t come.

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