Page 64 of Between Now & Heartbreak

“So… you didn’t tell me because you don’t want people to know you’re related to her?” I choose my words carefully, because I can see that this is very hard for him.

He nods, his expression pained and guarded.

“I’m not exactly proud of what she did. Who she is. And I have you know, anger issues. I used to get into trouble, fights and shit when I was kid. I had nightmares and anxiety as a teen. I didn’t take the news about being adopted well and I acted out. I was drinking too much and I hit this girl, in my sleep, but I hurt her. But I’m not violent. I would never, ever hurt you.” His voice is urgent and his don’t understand where this is coming from.

“I know that, Carter.” The incident with the girl, is one of the first things that comes up when you google him. The facts are all there and it was an isolated thing. I’ve never considered it’s something that could happen again.

“I read somewhere that she was a singer … and, I look like her.” He says, his voice is clipped, his expression taut with pain.

My heart squeezes in my chest aseverythingmakes sense, suddenly. My gut fills with dread.

“I see…” I say again, not sure what to say next.

“Aren’t – are you worried that…I’m like her in other ways?” His tentative question breaks my heart. I understand, too well, the fear he’s voicing. But I also know it’s fear born out of a lie he’s been telling himself.

“Carter, do you think anyone who knows you would believe you had it in you to do what she did?”

“It’s in my blood. Maybe,” se says sadly.

“Look what’s in mine.”

He turns his head sharply to look at me.

“What do you mean?”

“My father is a narcissistic, misogynist who doesn’t love anyone but himself. My grandmother is sadist who doesn’t even love herself. Theyraisedme. And all of that I guess is in my blood, too. But I’mnothinglike them. I choose not to be.”

He looks down at me, his expression conflicted, and then he seems to give up and he gives me an apologetic half smile.

“You’re pretty damn amazing, Beth. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner. It wasn’t you though. I didn’t wantanyoneto know. I haven’t told my family about some of it. Also, this is the kind of thing that the media loves. And this isn’t a story I want attached to my name.”

“But, you haven’t done anything wrong.”

He shifts uncomfortably.

“No one will care about that. They’ll just drag me and everyone I love through the mud. They’ll find that old arrest and say “Is Carter Bosh a ticking time bomb. His father was the town drunk who beat his mother until she murdered him? That’s not the story I want told about my life.” The vehemence in voice and the resolve in his eyes stills the argument I’m about to make.

I can’t imagine what he’s feeling. I could tell him that it doesn’t matter, but it’s much easier said than done.

“So, what now? Do you have other leads on the sibling you thought was Duke.”

“I’m done poking around. I’ve run into nothing but brick walls. I don’t need another brother. I have agreatone. We fight, but he would fucking die for me. So, yeah. I think I’m good.”

I nod in agreement, but I’m not buying hisI’m at peaceroutine. Carter is one of the most conscientious and thoughtful people I’ve ever met.

It shows everywhere from the way he talks about his family, to the way he plays the piano.

And in the way he treats me. I know without asking that I’m important to him. He’s always on time when we have plans. He calls exactly when he says he will. He remembers the way I took my tea from that first night we met and he makes it with just the right amount of sugar every single evening.

Carter is not one to forget aboutanything.

Much less a brother he knows is out there somewhere. One he disrupted his entire life to try and find.

He’ll justtellhimself that until he’s so tied up with regret and curiosity that he can’t breathe.

“I think you should talk to Dina. She’s been investigating this for months. She knows all sorts of stuff that you wouldn’t be able to find in regular old public records. She might be able to answer your questions.”

He starts to speak and then closes his mouth. I can tell he doesn’t want to say yes or no. So, I make it easy for him.

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