Page 14 of Between Now and Always

“Oh Phil, thank you. But, you didn’t have to do that. I have money saved. I’ll get a job. I’ll be okay.”

He pulls his sunglasses off, and his eyes are wet with unshed tears, but they’re not sad. His smile is nostalgic and he cups my face and presses a kiss to my forehead.

“You’ll be better than okay. I know you don’t really need my help. Because you’ve managed all these years without it. But, this is what we do for the people we love. I’m sorry I didn’t help sooner. I had to get myself straight. Now that I can, I want to. Please, let me.”

I nod in quick acceptance as a more pressing thought occurs.

“How did you do it? I mean, when you left here. How did you get straight?”

“I was lost. I was scared. I didn’t have any money but I spent part of my very first paycheck on a therapist. It’s what saved me. If you can’t find a therapist, look for a group. They’re everywhere. Talking about things always makes them easier to think about, too.” He shakes his head as wistful nostalgia clouds his eyes.

“Okay, that’s good. I’ll try it,” I say and then realize I have no idea how I’d even go about finding a therapist or any doctor.

I feel a wave of apprehension. He pulls me into a hug.

“I’m scared,” I admit with my face pressed to chest.

“Because you want this so much,” he says it like it’s the inalterable truth.

Idowant this. I’ve wanted it my whole life.

It will be a challenge. Those, I’ve found, are my expertise.

The doubt thins and loses its potency as excitement starts to seep in.

He lets go of me and gives my chin a gentle tap.

“You’ll see… the way I did, the strongest armor any of us have is the love we give ourselves. Nothing can defeat you once you have that in place.”

“I want that.” I can’t imagine what it would feel like to be free of the self-loathing that’s plagues me most of the time.

“I’m proud of you for what you did in that church, you’re so strong, Liz. The world is yours and I’m going to miss you,” he says with a wistful look in his eyes.

“I’m sorry I wasted this entire year not talking to you.” It sounds so pithy and paltry.

He shakes his head to silence me. “Don’t apologize for anything. Just go live your life. Start your Winsome detox and don’t be afraid to go Cold Turkey. Forgive yourself. Stop expecting superhuman thing from your very human soul. Treat yourself the way you treat everyone else you love.”

His words jostle my memory and I reach into my backpack and pull out a sealed envelope.

“This is for Carter. Can you find a way to get this to him? I don’t know when I’ll be ready, but I want him to know some things.”

He takes it from me and tucks into the inside pocket of the tuxedo he’s still wearing.

“I’ll make sure he gets it.”

I square my shoulders and take a fortifying gulp of air.

“I’ll get a new phone tomorrow and text you the number. So you can call me if there’s an emergency, okay?” I ask.

“Only if it has to do with Cam, but otherwise, I want you to pretend the only person you’ve got to worry about is yourself,” he says resolutely, but I’m not convinced.

“How are you going to even see her? Dad is so furious with you. You’re not going to be welcome in that house,” I warn him, fretting about the prospect of him being cut off from her.

“Dad has been furious with me since the day I confronted him about who my real mother might be. He may be able to keep me from Cam for now, but she doesn’t have a more fierce protector than Fiona. She won’t let any harm come to that child. And once I get my hands on the will, I suspect I’ll find out that I have a lot more say than he’s allowed.”

“Really? You think so?”

“I do. That man has had the benefit of complete autonomy for decades. James couldn’t protect you and rock the boat. I’m sending you away so I can overturn it. I’ll get answers, Clo. Then, I’ll end his tyranny. It’s too late for James. But it’s not too late for you, me, Cam, and mom.”

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